


The Writings of Ben Solo

by BurnedStars777



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Cuddling & Snuggling, Diary/Journal, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Visions, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Lightsabers, Mildly Dubious Consent, Redeemed Ben Solo, Repressed Memories, Rey Needs A Hug, Skinny Dipping, Stranded, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-11-26 08:41:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18178400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnedStars777/pseuds/BurnedStars777
Summary: By day Rey struggles not to strangle Kylo Ren to death. It’s difficult, given they are the only two stranded on this remote planet, and he’s driving her insane.But by night, she finds herself captivated by the romantic journal entries in her Jedi texts…and she unknowingly finds herself falling for a young Ben Solo.





	1. Chapter 1

_I saw her again tonight._

_She comes to me sometimes in flashes, sometimes in dreams that linger in my mind, even long after I wake. Sometimes I see her during meditation, when my ‘master’ would rather have me think of nothing at all._

_Her age morphs. She is a child. She is an adolescent. She is a young woman. She’s against the sand and the snow. Her muddy eyes are flecked with green, her hair entangled in a bizarre style, one that would never be worn by an admiral or senator._

_When she comes to me this time, she is in a forest. Her neutral colored clothing clings to her lithe form, sweat beading on her brow. She leans over, catching her breath._

_I can feel the uneven landscape beneath my feet. My vision is obscured by something, and I become frustrated, longing to see her, all of her._

_Who is she? I wonder, not for the first time, not for the last._

Rey’s eyes eagerly scanned the lines of the entry, her fingers tracing over the fine calligraphy. The writer, a former Padawan she deduced, articulated his thoughts in such a lovely manner. It took her breath away, and left her wanting to know more.

She knew she shouldn’t be paying as much mind to the entries as she was; she had opened the Jedi texts to seek their wisdom for her training, hadn’t she? When she stumbled upon the lines, however, they had gradually taken over her full attention. Sometimes the entries were scrawled between the lines of the text, and sometimes they appeared vertically, traveling up the blank space of the pages.

Her favorites were the ones in the back of the book, for more often than not there were previously empty pages coated in the fine artwork of his words.

She knew for certain the writer must be a young man. His tone and his desire for this woman he saw, it was palpable in every phrase. The way his male gaze permeated the page was intoxicating, and Rey needed to know if he would ever find her.

The pad of her finger traced over the line she had just read. She moved slowly, not wanting to miss a detail, an emotion.

_She straightens when she senses my presence. She’s so close; I can feel her in the air, but I want to feel her beneath my hands._

_When her eyes finally land on me, I expect to see wonder, confusion, perhaps even desire…but when they find me, her face goes slack. Her almond eyes, once so determined and sparkling, crumble into something putrid._

_She looks at me with fear._

_And then I wake up in my bunk sweating, frustrated and confused._

Rey felt a wave of disappointment crash over her. She really thought he would speak to her this time. She empathized with his frustration. This boy, whoever he was, seemed as lonely as had been on Jakku. If she thought he was alive she would have wanted to find him after the war. Alas, these texts were hundreds of years old, so it was almost certain the writer was long dead.  

_These visions of her are almost too much to bear, but even with my mind filled, I would never wish them away for a moment. She is fierce yet gentle in a way that soothes my soul. Her voice, although I have never heard it, I can tell will be a welcome change from the other one that speaks to me._

_I wonder daily now, if becoming a Jedi is meant to be my destiny. When the doubt rages in my mind, prickling against the front of my brain, I think of her and for a moment there is no conflict._

_She gives me purpose in a world where I find none._

The entry ended here, and Rey had to prevent herself from turning to the next page. She had already scanned the other books in her possession, and she knew this was the only one that contained his writing. She needed to savor what little material she had of him.

She shut the text with a snap, placing it into her sack along with the others. When she had originally taken the books from the ancient tree, she had the intent to return them. Now she didn’t know if she would live to visit Ahch-To again.

She started as alarms blared, loud and flashing throughout her room. She grabbed her bag and sprinted into the hallway, her fellow rebel comrades flying around her in a frenzy. She caught Finn’s dark complexion further down the corridor, and she ran to catch up to him. She placed a hand on the back of his shoulder. His eyes were wild and fearful, and for a moment he looked as though he didn’t recognize her. When awareness dawned across his features, he searched her eyes worriedly.

“Rey!”

“What’s going on?” she shouted over the deafening alarms.

“First Order. They’ve found us.”

Rey’s heart froze in her chest.

It had only been a month since Crait. The once formidable Resistance, their numbers reaching into the hundreds had been reduced to merely dozens. They had made weak contact with some of their allies, and while some had agreed to aid them, many were reluctant to join what appeared to be the losing side. They had left Crait as soon as they were able, knowing it wasn’t safe to linger in a location where the First Order knew their whereabouts. While they had managed to secure a larger vessel than the _Falcon,_ their numbers were far to few to take on another Destroyer.

When Rey secured herself inside an X-wing and launched away from the rebel’s main vessel, however, she realized it wasn’t a Destroyer tracking them, but a dreadnought. It loomed over the scattering of remote planets, hundreds of them dotting the system where both sides of the war met. When Leia had called upon volunteers to buy time for the rest of the fleet, Rey had immediately volunteered, as had Poe, as had Finn and Rose. Chewie was there as well, his wails ringing in her ears through the _Falcon’s_ communication system _._

Despite the churning in her stomach, it was a comfort to hear Poe, his confidence never wavering for a moment, as he ordered the volunteers into an effective attack position. Even with his General status, Poe would never miss a chance to get right in on the action.

“Carter, Abdul, circle wide and hit any cannons you can on the left flank. Tico, Finn, you take the right. Marks and I will take the center.” Rey turned her head when she heard Poe swear in her earpiece. She craned her neck, and realized why.

The dreadnought had deployed several smaller vessels, all heading in their direction. As Rey’s eyes scanned over their advancing attackers, her body stilled when she recognized one in particular. The TIE silencer.

_His_ TIE silencer.

Rey’s fingers curled around her controls, her knuckles a stark white. Her foot subconsciously went out to touch her sack holding the Jedi texts, as if he would try and take them from her. Why wouldn’t he? He had taken so much already.

She felt him in that moment, the buzzing in her brain magnifying. He was trying, not for the first time, to reconnect their bond. As always, she used what little control she had over their connection to keep it severed.

The First Order ships dispersed, and Poe fired out a series of commands. An explosion rippled beside Rey, and she discovered with a jolt of horror that one of the rebel ships had been hit. Launching into action, she maneuvered her X-wing into the thick of the battle, clipping the wings of any enemy ship that dared fire on her friends.

She grinned in triumph as she discharged her blasters, annihilating a craft that had attempted to take down Rose’s shuttle. Just then, she heard Poe’s voice ringing in her ear.

“I just received a transmission from Leia. The rest of the fleet is safe, prepare to disengage.”

Rey almost breathed a sigh of relief. The Resistance would survive for another day.

That was, if she and her friends could get out of this.

Rey gasped as her craft shook violently, and she let out a string of curses when she discovered laser fire had dismantled her blasters. She angled her craft in a dive, trying to get away from the intensity of the battle to gain some perspective. She looked around as her friends’ ships swerved, desperately avoiding the steadily multiplying First Order vessels. In the thicket of it all, Rey glimpsed the _Falcon,_ and what she saw made her blood freeze.

The silencer was heading straight for it.

The _Millennium Falcon_ was not meant for evasion. It was far too old and too clunky to avoid a model as sleek as the silencer. Rey knew Kylo Ren couldn’t resist the opportunity to obliterate Han’s prized vessel. Perhaps he thought by destroying the _Falcon_ , he could destroy the lingering confliction he had for slaying his father.

Not on Rey’s watch.

She acted upon instinct. She couldn’t fire at the silencer with her blasters fried, but she knew if she timed her movements just right, she could cut the darker ship off. Slamming on the accelerator, Rey angled the front of her ship directly at Kylo’s, knowing she would only have one shot.

He was only a matter of yards from the _Falcon_ now _,_ but that was the farthest he would get.

Rey slammed her craft into Kylo’s, clipping his wing and sending both ships hurtling to the side. She spun violently, the force of the impact causing her to lose all sense of direction, and then she was falling.

If Rey were in a right state of mind she would have logically deduced that their ships couldn’t be dragged down unless they had gotten caught in the gravity of a planet. It was a rather obvious thing to assume, since there were so many surrounding their battle. In her adrenaline-laced panic, however, Rey lost all rational thought as her ship plummeted to its doom.

She was vaguely aware of Kylo’s ship diving next to hers, and she wondered if he knew this was probably the end for both of them. As they broke the atmosphere, Rey could make out the lush green and blues of the landscape below, and even in her terror she was reminded of Ahch-To and of Luke.

Just when she came close enough to realize the biome she was about to crash into was deciduous, she felt her ship lurch and her descent began to slow significantly.

How…?

She didn’t have time to think, for at that moment her ship hurtled into the crust of the planet, albeit at a much slower rate than her initial descent. Still, the impact was forceful enough to tear the ground and send her clattering painful around in the small vessel. Just when she thought she wouldn’t be able to take this physical assault any longer, her temple made contact with her window, and she was plunged into darkness.

 

\---

 

Sunlight. It streamed through her smashed window and fell upon her cheeks, strong and warm. Rey lifted a shaky hand to her head, and when she withdrew it, she wasn’t at all surprised to see the red that glistened on her fingers. She glanced around wearily, the details of her crash-landing slowly coming back to her.

She looked down, finding her leg was trapped under the crushed metal of her vessel. With a half-yell she tore her appendage out from under the wreckage, rolling out from under the ship and collapsing in the dirt.

Her head swiveled around, taking in her surroundings for the first time. She knew this planet was uninhabited; most of the worlds on the outermost rim were. Trees of greens and oranges and yellows decorated the land, their leaves ranging from plump and shapely to thin and stringy. If she craned her neck far enough east, she could see a blue lake, and she made a mental note to venture over at some point to gauge whether the water was safe to drink.

After several moments she tried to rise to her feet, but with a cry of pain she realized the leg that had been pinned was hopelessly shattered. Any weight she put on it sent a white-hot, coursing pain throughout her entire nervous system. Looking around desperately, Rey spotted her bag, lying several feet from the X-wing, and her chest lurched. She dragged herself over to her belongings, searching through the sack and finding, with intense relief, there was little damage to the Jedi texts. Her fingers traced over the copper binding of the book that held the entries, and she sent a silent thank you to the Stars above for sparing her this one thing.

She didn’t have to check her ship to know the control panel was completely busted. She tried to control her breathing as she realized she would have no way to contact her friends and let them know she was here.

Unless…

Rey craned her neck around the ship, nearly collapsing completely in her shock as she recognized the TIE silencer, about a hundred feet away from her. It was in worse shape than her X-wing, if that were even possible. One of the wings was completely shredded, the other missing from the craft altogether. The cockpit was utterly caved in, and a sick feeling turned in her stomach at the sight.

She couldn’t see through to the inside, as the windows were tinted black. It was then that Rey made another attempt to stand, crying out in agony as her injured leg touched the ground. Sweat poured down her neck now, as she sluggishly limped closer to the craft. Her vision became blurry from the effort, but she clenched her teeth and kept going. If there was any chance she could send a transmission from the silencer, then it was worth this physical torture.

Despite her reluctance, Rey temporarily dropped her bag, knowing the added weight would slow her down further. She was so close…

But then the pain in her leg became too great, and her vision shifted horizontally as she fell heavily. The reverberations of her descent sent tremendous shocks down her leg, but she only had the strength to groan this time.

She succumbed to the dark once more.

 

\---

 

The first thing she recognized was his hair. Normally it was so glossy and well kept, but it stuck out in matted chunks, the drying blood causing it to meld together in sticky strands.  As awareness began to settle over her, the pain came rushing back, and the constant bobbing of her body was almost too much to bear.

That’s when she recognized he was carrying her.

Her struggle was instant. She flailed against him, but his arms only tightened around her, making her leg burn horribly.

“Stop,” he growled through clenched teeth, and she did, only because the throbbing was starting to make her vision spotty.

“Where are you taking me?” she demanded.

“Would you have preferred I left you to die?” His tone became bitter here, and Rey knew he was thinking of how she had left him in the throne room the previous month.

“I can take care of myself.”

He snorted, keeping his eyes straight ahead. He hadn’t bothered to look at her once during their exchange.

Her eyes trailed down his body, noting his clothing was torn and ragged in a few places. Most of his injuries, however, seemed to be concealed. As her eyes continued to scan him, they eventually came to land on his waist.

There it was, his saber, fully intact.

It was a garish weapon, crackling with unstable energy, which was why it suited its wielder. Even so, she stared greedily at it, her fingers itching to take it from him. It had felt like forever since she had held a saber. The pieces of her own broken weapon were in her bag, waiting to be repaired.

Her bag.

“Wait!” she cried, her outburst causing Kylo to tense his arms, and another wave of pain battered against her. “We have to go back. I left something-”

“Everything’s been destroyed,” he replied, rather irately. “You made sure of that when you doomed us both.”

“No, my bag, we need to go back for it!” She was becoming desperate now. Not only was her broken saber inside, but the texts were there as well. They were her last ties to Luke, to the Jedi.

She pounded against his chest, harder this time, not caring that every thrash made her want to scream in agony. Somewhere in the back of her mind she recognized how bizarre this situation was, her body churning against his so violently, when before the only contact they had ever had was when their fingers had touched.

“Don’t make me hurt you,” he snarled, but it was with less conviction than usual. Rey could tell by his labored breathing and staggering movements he was growing tired. This might be her only chance for escape.

She reached for his saber.

Her fingers had barely brushed the hilt when she felt his arms leave her, and her body plummeted. She tensed, knowing she wouldn’t have the time to prepare for the immense agony that was bound to overtake her from the fall, but instead of landing in dirt, her body became submerged in shallow water, and she broke the surface gasping and coughing.

He had dropped her in the lake.

She angled her body so her top half lay along the shore. She wheezed as she glared up at him, completely drenched.

His eyes were black, and his breathing was ignited with rage. That, mixed with the combination of his injuries made him look absolutely terrifying, and Rey hated how even now, she could be afraid of him.

Instead of cursing her or drawing his weapon to cut her down, however, he turned abruptly on his heel and marched back up the hill in the direction of their crafts.

Rey clawed her way up the sands of the lake, her body heaving with the effort. So he had left her. Good riddance.

When she was fully out of the water, she turned onto her back and closed her eyes, gasping. For one fearful moment she wondered if he was contacting the First Order, but then she remembered how warped the silencer had been. Certainly if he had the capability to send a transmission, he would have notified them even before she had awakened.

Rey propped herself up on her elbows and stared down at her leg. On the outside it appeared structurally fine, as long as one ignored the lacerations and ugly bruising. She knew there _had_ to be something broken if she could barely stand without screaming. She leaned back and closed her eyes again with a tired grunt.

She should have been angrier at Kylo for leaving her here. She should have cursed his name and hated him to her core.

If she were being honest though, she was just tired of it all. It was true, she no longer felt any sympathy or compassion for him, but she also no longer felt the hatred for him that had once blackened her heart. Yet, despite it all, she wasn’t numb to him. She _wanted_ him to be nothing to her, but he wasn’t.

Just as she wasn’t to him.

Her brow furrowed as she recalled the sensation of him trying to reconnect their bond during the battle. She’d rather have collided into the crust of this planet at full force than bridge her mind with his again.

Maybe this was a good thing, that they were trapped here together. Sure, her desire to be with her friends coursed through her entire being, but she had stranded the _Supreme Leader_ of the First Order. If nothing else, the Order would be in a panic after losing _two_ of its leaders in the past month. Maybe the chaotic nature of the situation would rupture her enemies, giving the Resistance a chance to regroup and fight back. She had to believe that, or else this was all for nothing.

She opened her eyes when she heard his footsteps. She had barely the chance to turn her head when a weight dropped beside her, spraying some sand onto her stomach.

It was her bag.

Rey reached for it at once, holding the satchel close to her chest. She wanted to withdraw her saber and her Jedi text with the mystifying entries. Had it really only been this morning since she had last read his words? Despite her urge to check her items, she refrained from removing the contents of her bag, knowing Kylo’s eyes were burning into her back.

She swallowed, staring out across the lake. He had gone back for her bag. No, she definitely couldn’t hate him anymore, even after everything. She wanted to, it would have made things simpler, but she couldn’t. She didn’t think she ever, truly would again.

“Thank you,” she murmured, clutching the bag tighter.

He was silent.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely feedback I’ve received so far! I promise I will respond to your comments when I get the chance. 
> 
> Also, I am thinking of writing a more in-depth modern Reylo AU, based on a lot of great feedback I received for my experiment story “See Me After Class.” The new story I’m thinking of will involve Rey as the middle woman, as she struggles to keep the three most important men in her life from tearing each other apart. Bound to be tons of delicious tension with these four. 
> 
> Keep your eyes peeled for the summary of "The Middle Woman" in later chapters!

_I’ve deduced she’s a peasant the next time I see her. She’s a child in rags, her hair always unkempt or styled in that ridiculous fashion. She has that hard look in her eyes, one that makes her seem far older than her years._

_Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like, to know her as a child. Although her age fluctuates in my visions, her signature is crisp, but at the same time dormant and raw._

_When I see her dirty cheeks I know then we never could have crossed paths. Even so, her untapped power, a power I’m sure she’s unaware of, reaches toward me like tentacles, spanning across planets and systems, seducing me with her Light-_

Rey snapped the book shut when she saw Kylo appear over the hill again.

She had slept on the sands for the night. There weren’t other options for shelter at the moment, and besides, it wasn’t like she had the capability to get up and explore on her own.

The sand of this world reminded her of Jakku, but that was the only thing the two planets shared in common. As Rey’s stomach growled in hunger and her lips turned cracked and dry, she became aware she would have to find a way to adapt to this planet’s environment. She wasn’t sure how long she would be here, and she certainly didn’t expect Kylo to provide for her in the time that she was.

She slipped the text into her satchel, but found it didn’t matter anyway, for Kylo barely spared her a glance as he trekked down to the lake’s edge. For a moment, Rey thought he would be foolish enough to drink directly from the stagnant water, but he merely bent down and began washing his face of blood and dirt.

That actually didn’t look like a bad idea, and Rey made a mental note to drag herself down to the water’s edge and cleanse her body once he had left her again.

Her shoulders stiffened when he shamelessly removed his shirt, his back to her. She glared down at the sand, having half a mind to snap at him to cover himself again. He didn’t turn to smirk at her over his shoulder, however; in fact he seemed to be pointedly ignoring her presence. Eventually her curiosity overcame her discomfort, and Rey raised her eyes to study him.

His back was marked with razor thin scratches, some fresh from the crash, while others were deadened and pink from scarring. Each time he bent over to gather more water in his hands, the muscles in his back would ripple. His hands came around to run over his sides, rubbing at the dried blood until it broke off in red shavings. As her eyes traveled upwards, she realized he had a smattering of light freckles on the tops of his shoulders. It was unnerving, for some reason, to see that the Supreme Leader had freckles.

“I hope I’m not distracting you,” he said gruffly, without even turning his head.

Rey jolted, her cheeks becoming pink in seconds. “Your ego knows no bounds,” she fired back, compensating for being caught.

He stood then and turned, walking up the shore until he practically loomed over her. Rey hated being so immobile, the differences in their stances making her feel demeaned. She did well to keep her eyes on his face, and not at the way the lake water glided down his chest in streams. He bent down, his hand frozen in midair for one long moment before he curled his palm around her upper arm.

Surprise made her wrench out of his grasp. “What are you doing?”

“Get up,” he commanded.

Her face twisted in bewilderment. He had lost his mind. “You’re mad!”

“And _you’re_ coated in debris.”

“I don’t need you help,” she responded stubbornly. “Go put on your cowl.”

A muscle in Kylo’s face twitched, but he wordlessly rose and gathered his clothing. Rey thought he would leave again, but he fashioned himself a place among a cluster of rocks, bending over and resting his elbows on his knees.

“What?” she demanded, not trusting him for a second.

“You don’t need my help,” he said matter of factly. “So get up.”

Rey knew she had dug herself into a ditch, but her pride was at stake, dammit. Stars, he _still_ hadn’t put on a shirt.

With a grunt, she managed to sit upright. She bent her right leg, the uninjured one, in preparation to rise. She tensed her left leg experimentally, an ugly grimace crossing her face when she discovered she couldn’t put any weight on it, the same as yesterday. She was thankful Kylo was behind her, for she didn’t want him to see her teeth clench in effort.

Her fists tightened as she leaned to her right, slowly turning her body so her head faced the water. She was already drenched in sweat from the effort, and the sand seeping into her lacerations wasn’t helping.

She could feel him watching her, which just made it all the more worse. How pathetic she must seem to him. A month ago he would have given anything for her to rule by his side, but seeing her now, struggling in the sand and dirt; it must have been downright laughable.

Frustrated tears formed in her eyes as she crawled along the ground. She thought he would have stepped in by now, insisting she needed help, but he didn’t. He watched her writhe on the ground, knowing she wouldn’t accept his assistance even if it would kill her otherwise.

When the water was an arm’s length away, Rey stretched out her hand and scooped up some liquid, splashing it onto her face. She did this several times until the dirt and dried blood ran into the sand. With a groan she crawled farther, and soon her entire body was in the shallows of the lake.

She couldn’t go deeper without drowning, which was fine with her. She ran her hands over her body, scrubbing the rest of the blood away. She hissed as some of her fresher cuts filled with water, but the pain of cleaning them was better than the pain of infection. She reached up into her hair and released her buns one by one, dipping her tresses in the lake until everything about her was soaked.

When she looked towards the shore again, she realized Kylo was gone.

 

\---

 

It was easier to ignore how hungry and thirsty she was when she had the words of her mystery writer beneath her fingertips.

She had begun referring to him as the prince, thinking it better than to just think of him as the long-dead boy in her book. She had no idea of knowing if he was royalty, but with the way he talked about the peasant girl he saw in his dreams, it made Rey think he was of noble birth.

She held the book close to her face now, for the sun was fading fast.

_Today I was beaten badly. One of the other boys in the academy, the juvenile, stringy-haired one with the repugnant chipped tooth, bested me in sparring. I could have won easily, but my ‘master’ says I must show restraint. He claims I succumb to my temper too quickly, and that if I am not careful it will consume me. So I heeded his warning this time, and all I have to show for it is a sprained wrist and a black eye._

_The Jedi teachings are hopelessly vague, and I’m starting to think they intentionally hide the truth of what real strength is from those who seek it._

_As I sit here in my bunk, wiping at my split lip, I think of her again. I imagine her here beside me, telling me I fought bravely. She would gingerly touch my bruises with aching fingers; she would ask me if it hurt terribly. I would tell her no, but she would smile, knowing I was lying._

_My father once told me that girls like scars. He said women are drawn to men who have the proof they’ve been in battle. My father is a miserable fool, but I wonder if there is some truth to this logic._

_If she were to look at me, would she turn away quickly and giggle at my expense, like my fellow female students? Or would her eyes drop, and her cheeks flush the most wonderful pink in the galaxy?_

An actual sigh escaped Rey, and Kylo’s eyes darted to her in surprise and suspicion. She instantly closed the book, thankful for the cover of darkness, so he could not see her own flush.

“If I had known your satchel contained those books, I wouldn’t have retrieved it for you,” he grunted, his bare hands blistering in an attempt to make a fire. When he had returned later that day Rey was astonished to see he had brought the carcass of some animal. It was small and rather scrawny, and he had charred most of the skin with his saber, but Rey’s mouth watered when she saw it. She wondered if he would even share any of it with her.

Rey tucked her book back into her bag. “That’s your own fault then. You could have looked if you had really wanted to.”

Kylo didn’t answer, his attention entirely focused on the task in front of him. Rey stared out into the darkened lake, the sun having completely set. She jumped when Kylo suddenly swore, igniting his saber and appearing as if he were going to decimate what little progress he had made with the tinder.

“No, wait!” Rey called, and he paused, his face lit in the glow of his blade. Rey inched over to his kindling and arranged it in a way she had done countless times on Jakku. She picked through some of the grass and twigs, removing the ones that were moist. She gestured for him to bring his weapon closer, and after a few tense minutes of guiding him, he was able to ignite the kindling with the cross blades of his saber. They watched the fire burn a murderous red before settling into a faint orange as it mixed with the oxygen in the air. It was a breathtaking sight after being submerged in darkness, and it took Rey a moment to recognize she was still grasping his wrist.

She released her hold immediately, and she thought she heard him snort. Her stomach growled then, loud and vocal, and she ducked her head in embarrassment. Kylo impaled the dead animal forcefully with a sharpened stick and hung it over the fire. When it was cooked to his satisfaction, he broke off a leg and wordlessly handed it to her.

Rey regarded him with surprise, but she took his offering, tearing the meat off in chunks with her teeth and then licking her fingers when she was finished. She didn’t thank him, and he didn’t expect her to. She swallowed heavily, finding her tongue felt fuzzy in her mouth.

“We need to find a fresh water source soon,” she told him.

“I already have. There’s a river, further inland. It leads to an outcropping with waterfalls.”

A sharp spike of irritation ran through Rey despite her best efforts. So he had already had his fill, had he?

“I suppose it was too much of an effort to inform me?”

“You’ve rejected my help,” he reminded her, his tone hard.

_I’ve rejected you,_ she thought, once again noticing how his words meant more than what he said.

She stared down into her hands, knowing if she didn’t wish to die of dehydration, she would need to work with him. “We can move tomorrow,” she muttered, “find a shelter, perhaps.”

He didn’t respond, but she didn’t need their bond to be able to feel the smugness radiating off of him. She watched as he stretched onto his back on the other side of the fire, the warmth of the glow reflecting off his face. She mirrored his position, noticing for the first time that the sky was lit with the most spectacular nebula.

 

\---

 

Rey opened her crusted eyes when she felt his arms wrap around her, lifting her frame up with a grunt. She scrunched up her nose in annoyance; of course he wouldn’t just wake her like a normal person. Her eyes peeked behind his back, and her breathing calmed when she realized he had slung her sack over one of his shoulders.

They didn’t talk as they moved. He probably knew how humiliated she was from needing him so obviously, and she was grateful he kept his remarks to himself. The lake steadily disappeared behind them as they merged deeper into the forest, the mixture of greens and oranges and yellows swirling around them.

She knew why they didn’t talk. Right now, they had a temporary understanding. It was either this for survival or nothing at all. Rey understood that as soon as the silence was broken, as soon as they spoke about more than just basic necessities, they would erupt.

There was too much betrayal there, too much resentment. It would happen eventually, she could feel it in her bones, but right now she was too fatigued to antagonize.

When she was set down beside the falls, the water cascading down her shoulders and into her mouth, Rey felt rejuvenated. She drank greedily from the waterfall, every gulp racing down her throat like a sweet syrup.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kylo move towards a cavern of sorts, disappearing into the opening and remerging several minutes later, glancing around. She wanted to ask what he was doing, but she also didn’t want to talk to him anymore than was necessary. Her eyes strayed to her bag, making sure he wouldn’t leaf through it while her back was turned.

She scooted her body out from under the spray onto solid ground once more. Her left leg ached something horrible, but a thought occurred to her. She had read in the Jedi texts that the Force could be used to heal even the most severe injuries. Master Luke had never mentioned this ability, and she had never asked. After all, she had lived most of her life not even knowing she was Force sensitive, and she’d survived just fine. Still, with the way she was now, she was almost entirely incapacitated. That needed to change.

Rey’s hand hovered over her damaged leg, and she closed her eyes in concentration. She could feel the familiar thrum of the Force, and she attempted to centralize it into her broken appendage. Although she wasn’t able to shift or repair her bones, a cooling sensation spread over her skin, and her breath came out in a relieved sigh.

As soon as she removed her hand, the pain returned in full force, but maybe if she kept at it she could slowly begin to heal herself without bacta.

She felt Kylo’s hand wrap around her arm from behind yet again, and she cursed herself for allowing him to sneak up on her.

“What?” she asked irritably.

“I’ve found shelter.” He moved to scoop her up again, but she wriggled out of his grasp. His mouth set in a scowl. “So we’re back to this again?”

“I’m fine right here,” she told him, her hand skimming over her bag.

She could tell he was frustrated, hurt even, by her continual rejection. He blamed her, she knew, for abandoning him in the throne room. A spark of anger ignited in her chest. Well, he hadn’t given her much of a choice now, had he?

He stormed into the cave then, and she was somewhat grateful for the solitude. She would never admit to this, but there was a part of her that was glad her leg was broken. She didn’t entirely trust herself not to chase after him otherwise.


	3. Chapter 3

            Over the next couple of days, Rey found she and Kylo had developed a pattern.

Every morning she would attempt to heal her leg, and although the process was exhausting and not very productive, the brief periods where pain didn’t course through her were delicious.

Kylo would be scarce during the day, either out exploring the planet or remaining deep in the cavern. He brought back the singed body of some animal nearly every day, giving her a leg or two each time. He insisted on attempting to arrange the kindling by himself, but when it appeared he was getting frustrated, she would wordlessly lean over and make her adjustments before he created the cooking fire with his saber.

She would join him inside the cave for dinner, but she always made sure to shift herself onto the banks when it was time for them to sleep. The air was thick with tension when they were together, and she found being in that cramped cave was suffocating.

One day in the early afternoon, Rey leaned her back against the rocks, rifling through her bag and pulling out the pieces of her saber. She opened one of her Jedi books, haphazardly scanning the pages for any mention of saber construction.

“You won’t find your answers there.”

Rey glanced up, her eyes already narrowing in a challenge. Kylo stood in the entrance of the cave, his arms hanging by his sides as he rigidly regarded her.

“Yes, well, you’re the reason I have to mend it in the first place,” she said, struggling to keep control of her voice.

“The Jedi had no interest in supplying useful information,” Kylo continued, as if she hadn’t spoken. “You’d be better off disposing of them.” He nodded towards the books.

Rey didn’t trust herself to speak. She continued to examine her saber, her grip on the pieces tightening significantly.

“…I could help you repair it,” he offered.

“I don’t _need your_ help,” she spat again, her eyes snapping up to his. His expression darkened, and she knew the storm of tension that had been brewing over the past few days was ready to explode.

“You’ve put yourself in this helpless position. You’ve damned us both, all for your precious Resistance,” his tone was toxic, his eyes black. He moved so he was hovering over her, and she glared up at him, using the fury in her eyes to make up for their differing heights. “Do you honestly believe they would have done the same for you if given the chance?”

“I _know_ they would,” she bit out, tension spreading throughout her face. “They’re my friends, my family _.”_

“You don’t have a family,” he said harshly. “Even now, after you know the truth, you’re desperate to seek others to fill the place of your parents.” He crouched down beside her, and it took all her restraint not to punch him in the jaw. “You could have had everything if you’d stayed that night. But you’d rather have the illusion of being wanted by them, when in reality, you’re nothing more than a tool.”

“You’re the one who’s delusional,” she snapped, doing well to keep her voice from wavering. She couldn’t let him know how much his words had affected her. “You may have killed Snoke, but you’re still controlled by his influence. Your conflict is stronger than ever; I don’t need the bond to feel it. You’ve been torn ever since you murdered your father-”

“Don’t mention Han to me,” he growled, and he was close enough that she felt the enraged puff of breath on her cheek. “You think you know everything, because the Force is strong within you, but you have no true allies, Rey. You have no friends. Skywalker never bothered to train you properly, admit it. The Resistance has done nothing more than milk your power for their own benefit. They don’t care to understand you. They know nothing because you _are nothing_ to them.”

Her hand came up automatically, but he grasped her around the wrist before it could make contact with his face. The pressure of his gloved hand was firm, but not harsh, despite how angry she knew he was. They stared at one another, both breathing heavily, the fury and conflict etched into both their visages.

“I meant what I said before,” he continued, his voice strained. “You are something to me.”

Was she supposed to thank him for that? For not finding her completely worthless? He lowered her hand when it appeared she wouldn’t smack him. She calmed significantly, controlling her emotions. Even so, she kept her eyes hard.

“I don’t regret stranding us here,” she said after a long moment. “The Resistance may need me as a tool in this war, but the First Order needs its Supreme Leader more. So I don’t regret it, even if it means being exiled with you.” Her hand curled into a fist by her side. “My only regret is ever placing my trust in you.”

They had reached an impasse, as she knew they would. He looked as though he wanted to say more, but he just stood and retreated into the cave. Rey stared after him until the darkness swallowed him whole. She packed her saber away and extracted the Jedi text with the entries. She opened the book with shaky hands, and she couldn’t figure out if her trembling was a result of anger or hysteria.  All she did know was that she needed an escape from this planet, from her injuries, from Kylo Ren.

And the prince in her book could give that.

_I see her again during group meditation. We are supposed to be clearing our minds of rational thought as we connect with the Force, but her presence is stronger. I know my ‘master’ can detect my unease, my excitement, but in the moment I do not care._

_It has been weeks since I have seen her, and I am starving._

_She walks along sands and skies of pink and orange; her head is covered in a strange dress, perhaps to block the evening sun. I beg her to remove it in my mind, and gradually as the sun descends, she honors my request. She doesn’t know I watch her, how could she? These visions I see, they are not in real time; I know this now. She could be long dead; she could be a child, an old woman. But right now, she mirrors my age._

_My body jerks and I am thrust back into reality, my wrist stinging. My ‘master’ stares at me, a stern, knowing look on his egotistical features, and I have to bite my tongue so hard I taste blood. He moves away from me then, and I seethe in fury. She was so close, and now I can no longer sense her._

_The Jedi are forbidden from attachments. I have known this since the very beginning of my training. It is too late. I am already attached._

The entry ended there, and Rey closed the book, even though she longed to keep reading. His desire for this girl presented a problem in his quest to become a Jedi, although the more she read the more she suspected that his destiny had been forced upon him.

The way he put quotations around ‘master’ gave her the impression he possessed scornful feelings for his mentor. Rey sympathized with his frustration. There were so many rules in the Jedi code, many of which either didn’t make sense or weren’t explained well. She wondered if he would leave the academy in search of the woman in his dreams.

The prospect was so exciting she had to stash the book away to keep from turning the page.

 

\---

 

Rey awoke in the middle of the night in agony.

Her eyes went down to her leg, discovering she must have shifted it in the night. She gingerly touched her thigh and cried out, biting on her fist to stifle the noise. She sat up, holding her hand over her leg and channeling the Force to try and offer some relief. Her hold was shaky from pain, however, and her grasp became sloppy. Something cracked in her shin, and her hand flew to her mouth as a scream reverberated in her throat.

She had done something horribly wrong.

Rey fell onto her back, tears streaming down her dirty face. Her teeth clenched so tightly together she thought they might shatter. Her eyes squeezed shut as another wave of fire swept over her, and she wasn’t sure how much more she could take.

She heard Kylo shuffle from inside the cave, heard his approaching footsteps, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t care about anything right now. Her vision behind her eyes was red like blood.

She was gasping as he knelt beside her. She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see the pleasure in his eyes from witnessing her weakness. Her muscles, her bones, her tendons, everything was aflame, each wave acting as another dose of kerosene.

And then…it ebbed and became cool.

Rey’s breathing came out in puffs, but they were more to stabilize her breathing than they were to wince through the torture. She felt minute shifts in her leg, and her fingers latched onto Kylo’s thigh, her nails digging into him. He didn’t react to her grip as he worked, and eventually the alterations of bone became more bearable. Her grip on his thigh loosened, and her eyes opened to stare up at the darkened sky.

She couldn’t see him in the dark, only the outline of his figure. She wasn’t looking at him anyway, but past him, up into the candied nebula. The last of her tears leaked out of her eyes as she followed the swirling blues and purples and pinks. It was the most magnificent thing she had seen in a long while.

So she wasn’t sure why she shut her eyes.

When she woke again, hours later, the sun was bright and a light breeze spilled tiny leaves across her arms. She sat up slowly, expecting the familiar searing pain to flash white and hot throughout her leg, but she was met with none. She frowned, inspecting the appendage, noting it was still covered in bruises and scabs. She gave an experimental wiggle, and although she was met with dull aches, the excruciating torture was absent.

Rey’s head turned as a faint snore reached her ears, and she found Kylo, slumped against the entrance of the cave, his head leaning against the stone in slumber. She couldn’t summon the fury that usually came so easily to her when she laid her eyes on him.

Her stomach turned unpleasantly. She was in his debt now, and she was sure he intended to collect the favor. That was why he had done this. She would be a fool to think anything otherwise.

She buried her unease, as she was able to successfully stand for the first time since their crash landing. Although she could not put her full weight on her left side, she was able to draw herself up to her regular height. She was mobile now; that was the only thing that mattered.

Rey hobbled away from the shelter, entering the forest for the first time to do some exploring of her own. She took her bag with her of course, not trusting Kylo to keep his hands to himself.

This planet was unlike any she had ever visited, which come to think of it, wasn’t saying much. Finding food would be a challenge. She was used to the oppressive heat and the grainy landscape of Jakku, not the lush, enclosed environment around her.

She didn’t go far, her leg was still mending, but she made sure to pause and listen to the sounds of animals rustling in the trees. She found a sturdy stick, and scrambled around for two sharp rocks. When she found some that suited her needs, she hammered the dull ends into either side of the stick until they were wedged tightly. She examined her makeshift staff, marveling at her handiwork. The double blades would come in handy.

As she began to wander back in the direction of the falls, she heard a faint splash by a stream. A small, amphibious creature with slimy blue skin, sat in the shallows.

Rey grinned.

 

\---

 

“Here.”

She plopped her catch in front of Kylo, crossing her arms proudly. She wanted to give her offering entirely to him to make up for her dependence, as well as repay his help from the night before. As he picked up the creature and examined it, however, he looked unamused.

“If you intend to poison me, you’ll have to be more subtle,” he told her.

Rey stared. “What are you talking about?”

He held the creature out to her. “Look at the coloring and markings on the skin. It’s poisonous. I would be dead within minutes.”

Rey flushed a deep red. The way he said it made it seem like this was basic knowledge, but she had only ever scavenged for creatures on Jakku. She snatched the animal from his grasp, ignoring the smirk that crossed his mouth. As she tossed the animal back into the woods, she made a mental note to never allow him to give her that borderline playful look again.

 

\---

 

With her mobility returned, Rey took the opportunity to journey back down to the lake later that night to properly cleanse her body. The climate of this planet was warm enough for her to strip down, but as soon as she submerged herself in the water, gooseflesh ran up and down her arms, and her nipples hardened.

Despite the chill, she took her time washing her body, thoroughly scrubbing all the grime from her skin until it shone under the strange purple moonlight. Even after she was clean she swam languidly, finding the exercise helped to ease the stiffness in her newly healed leg. She idly wondered how Kylo had managed to mend her so perfectly, but her pride was too great to ever ask him.

She paused in her swimming as she felt something press into her mind. The sensation was not an unpleasant one, but it was insistent, demanding even. It didn’t take long for her to figure out it was Kylo attempting to reconnect their bond again. Apparently he wanted to know where she was.

She blocked him out as she usually did. Sure, she had been gone for hours, but she wasn’t in any danger. Besides, she knew he wanted to know her whereabouts because of his obsessive need for control, not because he felt genuinely concerned for her.

She stepped onto the shoreline, her naked body dripping rivulets that appeared purple with the mood lighting. She gathered her wrappings and began to coil them around her sensitive areas.

Rey was just starting to move onto her armbands when his Force signature caught her attention. He was moving quickly towards her, and from the approaching red light, she knew his saber was drawn. She instantly grabbed her staff, and pointed it at him as he burst into the clearing.

She knew she must have looked ridiculous, half-naked and dripping with nothing but sticks and stones to defend her. Kylo’s expression was laced with irritation and even confusion, not the murderous rage she had expected. Had he really just wanted to know if she was alright?

He scoffed when he saw her standing there, and she lowered her weapon before she embarrassed herself further. She watched his eyes run over her as he took in her state of undress, but he didn’t react. She felt annoyed by this. How was it she could barely contain her discomfort at seeing him scantily clad, but when the roles were reversed he remained his usual impassive self? Did nothing faze him?

“Don’t tell me you’ve been idly swimming for hours,” he drawled, extinguishing his saber and clipping it to his belt.

Rey frowned. “So what if I was? I don’t report to you. And I never will.” Damn. She just couldn’t resist stirring the pot could she? As the phrase left her mouth, she knew the tentative understanding they had was shattered.

His mouth twisted into an ugly scowl, one that frequently marred his features. “Yes, you’ve made it perfectly clear you would rather waste your life on rebel scum than be with me.” He was injured, but so was she. She felt just as betrayed as him, and he couldn’t even fathom why.

“My friends sacrificed their lives so innocent people could be saved,” she lashed out. “People are killed every day because of the decisions _you_ make, because of the actions _you_ carry out.” She was shaking now, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the chill or her fury. “In what world could I have ever joined you?”

He advanced towards her, and Rey had half a mind to raise her staff again.  “If you weren’t so tainted by Skywalker you would be able to see the power you possess to end this war.” He was only a foot away from her now, the purple moonlight cascading off his face. “This cycle, it’s happened before us, it’s happening now, it will happen again unless we stop it. You and I could have given something new to this galaxy.”

His voice had become quiet, and her fingers loosened, her staff falling in the sand by her feet. She shook her head sadly at him.

“Ben…I can’t.”

She thought he might snap again, but he just stared at her, the emotion on his face fading into a mask once more. He raised a gloved hand to her neck, and Rey didn’t flinch, even though she probably should have. His clothed fingers grazed her neck, and she visibly shuddered, blaming it on the chill in the air. He carefully removed a wet leaf that had been plastered to her neck, letting it fall to the ground. A flush traveled up Rey’s chest despite her best efforts, and she was glad when he finally pivoted and walked away, so she could breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry; Rey will get even soon. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you are my lovelies. Another update as promised! Explicit rating begins to apply here.

            Rey returned to the scene of their crash, taking the time to examine each craft thoroughly for anything useful. She could already tell from looking at them that they were beyond repair, even for someone as resourceful as her. While she was exceptional at mending old ships, she unfortunately was not skilled enough to make something work out of this mess. She also had no knowledge of how to assemble a proper transmission system; otherwise she would have been working on it since day one.

She hadn’t lost hope that her friends were still looking for her, despite Kylo’s horrible comments. There had been hundreds of planets surrounding the area where they had collided with the First Order, so it made sense that the rescue process was slow.

Rey slung her sack tighter around her shoulder as she picked out the parts she would take back to the shelter. Along the way she killed a small mammal with brown fur. She knew for a fact this one was not poisonous, for Kylo had brought home something similar the day before.

She cringed. She could _not_ think about that cave as home.

When she arrived at the shelter, she drank from the waterfall before plopping her catch down by the opening of the cave. She ventured inside, scanning the small space for Kylo, but quickly discovering he wasn’t there. Deciding to put her time alone to good use, Rey sat on the cave floor and meditated.

That was, she _attempted_ to, anyway. She very rapidly realized her leg did not yet have the capability to fold into her signature meditative position, so she would have to postpone connecting with the Force until she was fully healed.

Rey glanced at her bag. Well, at least there was something else she could do.

 

\---

 

_Sometimes I don’t have visions of her at all. Just dreams. I can’t tell if this is better or worse. But it’s the best kind of torture._

_When I sleep, when I truly dream of her, when the Force has nothing to do with it, she is always younger than me. Her body is slim, but fully developed. She is soft and firm in a way that suggests young woman hood. She comes to me, wrapped in clothing that is too luxurious and revealing to be hers. Her attire is the least of my concerns; she looks beautiful even in those filthy, peasant clothes._

_She moves next to me, and I ask her name, but she does not answer. Instead she leans forward and whispers_ my  _name, and my cock grows-_

Rey blinked in surprise as something in her lower stomach flipped. She was well aware what her arousal meant, but she hadn’t expected words on a page to affect her in such a way. Reading the prince’s words, it almost felt like a violation. These were his deepest thoughts and fantasies; what right did she have to read them?

She then remembered that the writer was most likely long dead, and this helped to ease some of her guilt. She subconsciously licked her chapped lips as she turned the page, far more eager to read what was next than she cared to admit.

_When our lips meet I could be in the clouds or at the bottom of a river. Her scent fills my nostrils, my very being, and I only long to become closer to her. Her tongue is sweet as it slides against mine, hesitant at first, but then just as eager as my own. We shed our clothes slowly and then all at once._

Another shot of arousal pooled in Rey’s stomach, and her cheeks became pink. Her hand slipped into her tunic, skimming the skin of her belly until it journeyed down to the place between her legs. She hadn’t touched herself in this way since she had been on Jakku. Life had been too hectic to savor such personal pleasures.

_My mouth is hot on her breasts, and she whispers my name softly, trembling beneath my touch. Her hands glide down my chest, and then lower, running over my cock until I’m gasping._

Rey’s hand moved faster, her legs spreading wider. Her eyes hungrily read the page, choosing to ignore that she was beginning to picture broad, freckled shoulders and raven hair.

_I taste her lips, her shoulder, her thighs, her cunt, and the sounds she makes are godly. When we are finally joined, the world becomes silent. Her fingers weave through my hair and she is staring at me, but I can’t speak. There’s a feeling in my chest, something between pride, and misery, and happiness, and absolution. When I move, we move together, and I can feel every inch of her around me, tight and wet and-_

Rey let out a quiet sigh as she came suddenly, the wetness coating her fingers. The build up had been brief, almost alarmingly so, but the release had been sublime. She leaned back against the cave wall, her cheeks flushed and her hairline dappled with sweat. She shut her book and was in the process of storing it away, when she felt Kylo’s signature.

She made eye contact with him as he entered, and he paused abruptly. She watched him take in her blush, her parted lips, the sweat on her forehead, the way she crouched before him. She stared back at him, finding herself braver than she normally was in such a vulnerable position.

He couldn’t have known she was basking in her afterglow. Without their bond he could only faintly sense her Force signature, as she could with him. Even so, the way his eyes trailed over her made her feel strange, as if he sensed everything she had just done.

She cleared her throat and stood. “Did you see my catch?”

Kylo blinked. “It’s rather meager.”

Rey scoffed, wiping the remaining sweat from her forehead. “You could at least thank me.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Why would I? You’ve never thanked me.”

“Well I-” she frowned, realizing he was right. “Do you need help making a fire or not?” she asked stubbornly, quite obviously changing the subject.

For a moment she thought she saw his lips twitch, and it unnerved her to think of Kylo Ren getting anywhere close to a smile. “We’ll just have to find out.”

 

\---

 

They ate in silence across from each other, the small fire burning between them. Rey tore off a huge chunk of meat with her canines and swallowed it, licking the bone clean. She paused when she realized Kylo had halted his own meal to gaze at her.

“What?” she asked, wiping her lips with her thumb.

“Your manners are abysmal.”

Rey glared. “I didn’t realize I was in the presence of royalty.”

He snorted, taking his own dainty bite. His hands were always bare when he ate, and even though Rey had seen him several times without gloves, the sight was still unusual for her.

“Why did you heal my leg?” she questioned suddenly.

Kylo was slow to answer. He swallowed his food and put the bones in a pile by his side, before regarding her. “Your crying woke me.”

“Don’t dodge the question,” she said, her voice cold. “You could have let me be.”

“You were in pain,” he replied bluntly, and then his face hardened. “Would you rather I let you suffer?”

“Isn’t that what you want?” she countered. “I know what happened on Crait, how you told Luke you would destroy me.”

“Does he speak to you? Even now?” Kylo’s voice was bitter, and Rey took some satisfaction from that, despite the fact she had only managed to see Luke once, in her dreams.

“Yes,” she responded, embellishing a little. “Does it bother you? That even with all the hatred and suffering you bring, Luke Skywalker lives on?”

Kylo scoffed. “His death was wasted on a feeble band of traitors and thieves. Even in death he is a fool, giving all of himself to strangers, when he didn’t give a damn about his own blood.” The last of his statement came out in a snarl, perhaps in an attempt to hide the pain of his uncle’s betrayal.

“He was wrong to doubt you then,” Rey amended, “but you’ve proved him right, Ben. In the end, you’ve only legitimized why he should have killed you that night.”

“I’m sure you would have preferred that.” The hurt was plain in his voice now. “You would have liked it if he struck me down.”

“I didn’t say that,” Rey said, her voice becoming softer as she considered something. She was no match for him without a saber, even while he was in this broken state, yet he hadn’t tried to kill her. He had helped her. Despite her pledge to give up on his redemption, he was constantly subverting her expectations.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Kylo continued, looking away. “We’ll likely die here, in ignorance.”

A sharp stab of fear poked Rey’s heart as she considered the possibility of never being found. But no. Her friends were searching for her. They wouldn’t give up on her.

She studied him. “Surely your men wish to find their Supreme Leader?” The question was cautious, an attempt to gauge his relationship with his allies.

She watched him smile without humor, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “Yes, I have no doubt Admiral Hux has the utmost concern for my well being.”

Rey had no idea who this Hux person was, but she assumed he must be a high-ranking official in the Order, and judging from Kylo’s expression, perhaps a power hungry one.

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, only the sounds of the crackling fire and gentle waterfalls reaching their ears. Rey continued to watch him as he stared at the cave floor, deep in thought. Eventually he caught her eye, and she knew it was too late for her to feign a lack of curiosity.

“Why won’t you reconnect the bond?” he inquired, and the question made her open her mouth in surprise.

“I…Isn’t it obvious?” When it didn’t appear like it was, Rey emphasized, “Ben…we’re on different sides of a _war._ ”

The oranges of the fire cast a glow on his cheeks. “Snoke is dead, yet the bond still exists. This goes beyond the war, beyond you or me.” Rey watched him warily as he moved around the fire and knelt beside her. “Do you want to know why I healed you?” he asked softly, and she found she was at a loss for words. “It was because Snoke was right. You are my equal in the Light. I realized it that night, on Starkiller Base, with you standing across from me in the snow. I should have known earlier; I’ve felt it for years.”

His fingers uncurled, and for a moment Rey thought he would extend it towards her, but he held back, likely remembering her rejection of him. Their eyes met, and in the back of her mind Rey wondered what he meant, when he said he’d felt it for years, when he’d only known her for a few months.

“What are you asking of me?” she whispered. “You said it yourself; we’ll die here. So what do you want?”

His hand twitched by his side, and even though they were both sitting, he loomed over her, bits of his hair hanging in his face. She saw his red lips tremble slightly, and she had trouble keeping her breathing steady.

“You.”

Rey would be lying if she said she hadn’t missed some aspects of their bond. She would never admit it out loud of course, for their connection had been an invasion as well as a relief. When they were connected they had no control over when they spoke, what they saw. It had all been Snoke. But now that the Emperor was dead…

Could they connect in a way that would be on their own terms? Would the bond manifest into something greater? Something as Kylo said, larger than the war itself?

If she were with the Resistance, she would never have agreed. Their safety came well before her insane curiosity. But she wasn’t with her friends. She was trapped here with him, and with each day that passed, she was starting to believe he could be right. That this was what their lives would be.

Her hand came up, her palm facing his body. Her fingers gradually straightened, and she watched his eyes widen in realization. Almost instantly after, his hand rose to mirror hers, until they were only centimeters apart. His hand was so much larger than hers; it could have swallowed her whole. So much destruction had come from this hand, but she had also seen glimpses of something else. Something other than anger, or hatred or fear.

She hadn’t given up on him after all. Not yet.

Their hands touched delicately, and Rey nearly gasped as a thrum of electricity ran through her body. Her palm pressed against his, and she saw him breath out carefully in controlled relief. His breath was cool against her cheeks.

She felt her mind open up to him, and his mind opened to hers in response. It felt like an invitation rather than a violation, and she closed her eyes as she processed the feelings. She had forgotten what it had been like on Ahch-To, to feel someone so entirely, to feel the certainty course through her.

When she opened her eyes again, the firelight had died down, but she could make out the softness in his eyes. They were brown.

His thumb brushed over the back of her hand.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to write the outline of "The Middle Woman." I'm really excited because I love Finn/Poe/Kylo tension. I think the idea of Poe and Finn being like overprotective brothers to Rey is so cute! 
> 
> Part of me wants to just continue writing Star Wars Universe stories, but I do want to take another stab at modern AU. Plus it seems like the majority of readers tend to flock to those stories anyway. I'll post a summary for my next story in the notes of this one when I have a description I like. 
> 
> I digress; enjoy this next update!

            Rey crossed her legs tentatively, sighing in relief when she was able to do so without a jolt of soreness. She straightened her back and closed her eyes, settling into the meditative pose that had become so familiar to her within the past couple of weeks. As she cleared her mind, she easily connected with the Force as she would an old friend, the tendrils of its energy coiling around her.

When she opened her eyes again, a minute or an hour could have passed without her knowing. Although she had achieved her goal of reaching a meditative state for the day, she didn’t rise from her position. There was something she wanted to try.

Closing her eyes again, she reached out through the bond, trying to see if she could bridge her mind with Kylo’s. She had only managed to connect with him willingly one other time, and that had been after she had searched the cave on Ahch-To. She had been so disappointed and so…so _desperate_ to talk to someone that she had reached out to him without a second thought, knowing he was the only person in the galaxy that might be able to understand. It was a moment of weakness on her part, and in her opinion, it had cost her.

She realized now that Snoke could have sensed her need to be close to his former apprentice, so it was very possible the deceased emperor bridged their minds that night, sensing an opportunity. Now that he was gone, however, Rey knew if she were able to connect with Kylo, it would be her doing.

She breathed in a controlled manner, feeling the Force at her fingertips and at the front of her mind. She had no idea where he was this morning, but maybe if she could sift through the noise, she would be able to find his signature.

Rey’s breathing shifted when she felt something brush against her, and she wondered if it was him. Did he sense she was attempting to contact him? After several seconds the sensation ebbed, and Rey opened her eyes in disappointment. It appeared neither of them was strong enough to completely control when they saw the other.

Feeling as though she had enough of meditation for one day, Rey uncrossed her legs and automatically reached for the Jedi text containing the entries. It had been a few days since she had read any of the prince’s words, and she was becoming antsy to know what happened next.

She briefly reread the last entry before moving onto the next, her fingertips gliding over each magnificent etch.

_I know it’s wrong to keep thinking about her, to keep trying to reach her. There’s a voice in my head._ The _voice. It calls to me. It reaffirms the failings of my ‘master.’ It gives me strength and pride and power. It would never betray me or lead me astray._

_Yet it tells me to forget about the girl._

_This is the first time I question the voice, and I feel a prick of pain in the center of my mind, a warning. It leaves me for days afterwards, and I’m left aching and alone._

_My ‘master’ becomes harder on me with each passing day. Everything I do follows with a criticism. He takes me aside one day, speaks to me quietly, and for a moment I think he will tell me he is proud. I think he will tell me he understands, that it’s alright, to be the way I am. That it’s expected._

_Instead he tells me I’m distracted, and that I must resist the call of the Dark. He says nothing ever good comes from the Dark._

_In that moment I truly hate him._

Rey frowned as she read over the passage again. There was a definite shift in the tone of this entry. He was becoming bitter in his isolation, a feeling Rey knew all too well. If anything, it made her empathize with him even more.

She assumed ‘the voice’ in the prince’s mind was his conscious, or perhaps more visions via the Force. She had had many of her own, and sometimes they could be rather confusing.

She wondered, not for the first time, who this ‘master’ of his was. She wished he had given some sort of identifying details either about himself or his mentor, but she understood he most likely wanted to remain anonymous.

Rey cracked the book wider and found where she had left off.

_I see a vision of her again when I’m walking one day. I’m alone, as is typical, and despite the threat from the voice, I follow her through a forest. She can’t see me, but when she looks over her shoulder I start to wonder if maybe she can. Her eyes, like dirt, glisten as the moonlight catches them._

_Her footprints mingle with mine, and it is the first time I notice that the ground is covered in snow. My shoulder, my arm, my side aches something horrible, reminding me of the burns I’ve received in sparring. When I glance down there is nothing marking my body, and I’m not sure what to believe._

_She pauses and turns, staring right at me now. My breath catches in my throat as she gazes into my soul, her hair starting to brush out of her strange style with every stroke of the wind._

_She is so powerful and so striking. She stands tall and confident in the moonlight; each flake of snow that comes in contact with her cheek melts from existence._

_This is the second time she has really looked at me. While the first time she had been afraid, this time she looks at me with anger. With hatred. I’m bewildered, and my heart sinks._

_What could I have done to make her look at me so?_

Rey glanced up as Kylo’s Force signature penetrated her mind, and sure enough he was there, probably having snuck up on her when she was engrossed in reading. He stared hard into her lap, at the cover of the text she was reading, and he looked deeply confused, as if he were trying to work something out in his mind.

Rey hastily shoved the book back into her bag, making a mental note not to read any of the texts in front of him anymore. She didn’t trust him enough not to destroy them in a vengeful rage.

“I tried to reach out to you through the bond,” she mentioned, figuring it would be useful for him to know.

He blinked, having been snapped from his daze. “Yes, I know. I felt it.”

“Do you think it’s possible to control it by ourselves?”

“I don’t know.”

Rey’s stomach growled loudly then, and she hated the blush that touched her features. If Kylo noticed anything, he didn’t react.

She stood up with her bag and staff. “I’m going to go look for food,” she announced, stepping away from the cave.

Kylo’s hand went to his saber. “Let me come with you.”

Rey paused in her movements, turning to him in surprise and suspicion. “Why?”

He sighed in irritation. “Must I have some ulterior motive for everything?”

She crinkled her nose. “You’ve never given me a reason to believe otherwise.”

“I saved you,” he reminded her. “Twice. Three times, if you wish to count the throne room.”

Ah, so he had slowed the descent of her craft after all. Even so, it was hard to believe any of those actions were completely selfless.

“You still want me to join you. That’s the only reason you did those things,” she argued.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “As opposed to what?”

“As opposed to,” Rey paused, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, “as opposed to…caring for me.”

Kylo said nothing, for which she was glad. She had already embarrassed herself enough as it was.

When it didn’t seem as though he was going to respond, Rey trudged forward, but after a few moments, she heard his footsteps trailing her, and she could have groaned in frustration.

“You’re still coming?” she snapped.

He glared back. “You’re practically useless without a proper weapon. If you want to eat something larger than a porg, then I’m going.”

Rey turned around and kept her face forward, figuring ignoring him was the best solution. He was half right. She did need a better weapon. She was _almost_ tempted to hear him out about how to fix her saber, but she wouldn’t voice the question for the life of her. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Besides, he _had_ saved her twice already since arriving on this planet. She wasn’t about to tip the scales even more in his favor.

After about fifteen minutes he moved ahead of her, apparently not liking her pace. She glared daggers in the back of his raven-haired head. He was so arrogant and childish and horrible. Not at all like the boy in her books. He was sweet and poetic, and so utterly lonely. He was like Rey.

She frowned. But Kylo was lonely too, wasn’t he? In his own twisted way? She hated comparing herself to him, but unfortunately they did have their similarities. She tried not to dwell too much on that fact, so she wouldn’t off herself then and there.

Rey halted suddenly. There was something ahead of them, hidden in the dense orange thicket. She could hear it before she sensed it. She had years of living alone in a vast landscape to thank for that. She could tell from the way Kylo trudged onward that he hadn’t yet processed what was happening, and she reached her arm out.

“Stop!”

At that moment a colossal creature of scales and slime and fur leapt from its cover and onto Kylo, without giving him a chance to ignite his saber. Before the animal could make a snap for his jugular, Rey whipped out her hand on instinct, channeling the Force. The creature lurched to the side with a gasp, stumbling into a wall made of stone.

Kylo had yet to rise; he just lay on his back, apparently too shaken to gather himself. Rey grunted in annoyance, but plucked his saber from his grasp using the Force, not caring if she was inviting his wrath later.

She ignited the volatile weapon, and it crackled a fierce red. She had only held it once before, in Snoke’s room, and it had felt as unnatural as it did now.

Well, it’s not like she had much of a choice.

The creature charged her, and she side stepped it, swinging the blade and singing off part of its siding. It howled in pain and fury, whipping around with extended claws this time. Rey dove forward; barely escaping with her life as the animal sailed over her, turning in a circle when it realized its prey had avoided it. Rey suddenly had an idea. She briefly extinguished the saber, and crouched down, pretending to submit. This would be risky, but she wasn’t sure how else she would be able to take down an animal of this size. As the creature charged again and leapt upwards, preparing to make a killing blow, Rey ignited the saber and held the blade straight up, impaling the creature right through the chest.

She cried out in effort as she moved the blade away from her, slicing cleanly down the animal’s body. When it was clear the creature would not rise again, Rey stood, gasping. She wiped the sweat off her brow and stared down at the crackling, ruby blade. She had forgotten what it had felt like to wield a lightsaber and the power that came with it.

Rey glanced smugly over her shoulder, expecting to see Kylo growling in annoyance or perhaps resentment, but her smile faded when she noticed he had not risen. She extinguished his saber and padded over to him, crouching by his side where he lay on his back, staring up.

“Ben?” she asked, a trace of worry in her voice. When he did nothing more but blink, Rey felt along his head until she withdrew her hand to find it coated in a dark red. She stared at it in shock before she registered how forceful the impact of his skull on the stone must have been.

“W-What should I do?” she demanded, her hands shaking as she looked him up and down. This was a serious head injury. He probably wouldn’t last the night if she didn’t heal him via the Force. She knew she shouldn’t _want_ to heal him, not after all he had done to the Resistance.

But she was selfish, and she knew that if he died she would be here alone, and even the company of Kylo Ren was better than the alternative.

When he didn’t answer her, Rey feared she was already on her own. Her hand hovered over his head, hesitating despite the urgency of the situation. She hadn’t been very good at Force healing herself. She had even made her injury worse, and that was just her leg. This was his _mind._ If she screwed up, Kylo might be better off the way he was now.

But she had to try.

Rey took a deep breath and placed her hands by the temple on either side of Kylo’s head. She closed her eyes, partly for concentration, but mostly because she couldn’t bear to maintain his blank stare. She remembered the movements he had made that night, when he had healed her leg, and she tried to mirror them exactly. When she first felt the familiar thrum of the Force she was confident, until she immediately met a barrier. Making sure to keep her breathing steady, Rey tried tapping into their bond, knowing the added connection may be the only way to attempt something this complicated.

When she opened her eyes again she had left the planet.

She wanted to cover her eyes when she saw the devastation around her. Planets soaked in a red glow before being torn to shreds. Her vision was obscured, a black film in front of her eyes. A mask. _His_ mask.

The edges of the vision were scratchy, and as much as it pained her, she extended her hand to mend it. The picture became clearer, and so she took this as her cue to continue.

The next thing she saw was a ginger-haired man choking. He was on his knees, his face a bright purple, his eyes puffy. Rey felt no joy at watching him squirm; in fact, she was counting the seconds of when she would end his punishment. When she released her hold the man fell forward, gasping, and when she turned she could feel him burning holes in the back of her neck. Once again, the memory was fuzzy around the edges, so Rey did her best to repair it.

When the next memory came, Rey jolted when she saw Han. His face, she noticed, was younger by years, and twisted in anger. This visual was far different from the charming, snappy man she had come to know in the short while she had made his acquaintance.

He was angry and disappointed. With _her._

_No, with Ben,_ she realized, as she felt frustrated tears that weren’t her own brewing in her eyes. She couldn’t hear what Han was saying, but she felt the impact of every word, ramming through her chest like blade. She sowed the fabrics of the vision back together and left.

She was writing. She couldn’t tell where she was, but she wrote furiously, as if her hand couldn’t keep up with the thoughts in her mind. This vision was the fuzziest of all, and Rey raised her hand, attempting to mend it, when she was tugged from his subconscious.

She opened her eyes to find her forehead pressed against his. She jerked backwards at once, alarmed and a bit disoriented. When she had regained her composure she noticed Kylo blinking slowly at her, recognition clouding his features.

“What happened?” he croaked, attempting to lift his head but then grimacing.

She placed a hand on his chest. “Don’t move,” she said firmly, and he obeyed.

His eyes darted around, confusion and paranoia racking his features; it was an odd sight from the man who brought so much fear to others. “What happened?” he repeated.

Rey glanced over her shoulder at the slain beast before them. She turned back to Kylo and smiled weakly.

“I caught us dinner.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of you lovely commenters brought up an excellent point that I thought I should mention.
> 
> Time in this story works quite differently from my other ones. With each new chapter or even each break, a couple of hours or several days could have passed. This might explain why with some interactions there is more fluff while in others they are falling back to their old ways. At this point it's very much back and forth, but slowly edging towards intimacy. 
> 
> Hope that clears things up!

            Rey casted a quick glance at Kylo when she heard him curse from the depths of the cave. She paused in her preparation of their dinner-it was a bit of a relief as she was exhausted from carting both Kylo and the meat back to their shelter-and went over to see what was wrong.

“Where’s my saber?” he hissed, pain and disorientation making him lash out.

Rey wordlessly unclipped the weapon from her belt and handed it to him, surprised he hadn’t noticed it was missing earlier. He snatched the saber from her hand at once and reattached it to his own belt before leaning against the cave wall tiredly.

“If you’d like I can try going in again,” she suggested carefully, knowing the subject of mending him would likely be a touchy one. “You pushed me out before I could heal you entirely-”

“You’ve done enough,” he grunted, his back sliding against the wall as he sat.

Rey bristled. “You were the one who insisted on joining me. If you hadn’t been blundering through the forest maybe you would have been able to actually sense the damn thing.”

Kylo didn’t respond, but she could feel the anger and frustration radiating off of him. Mostly it was aimed at himself, but she knew he wasn’t exactly happy with her either.

Thinking their conversation had ended, Rey went back to the fire and continued rotating the meat. She hoped it would taste good, given it had taken so much effort to lug it to their shelter.

“Why didn’t you leave?” Kylo asked quietly.

“Hm?” Rey turned to him in surprise. He wasn’t looking at her, but the firelight across his face illuminated his troubled expression.

“You could have left,” he continued. “I was as good as dead.”

“I could have,” she agreed. It had crossed her mind, but not seriously. She would never have been able to live with herself.

“So why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to be alone,” she said honestly, and he looked up at that. His lips twitched like he was about to fire something back, but she beat him too it. “And don’t you dare compare this to the throne room. This is completely different. This time no one was at risk but you.”

That wasn’t quite true. She knew his very existence could still be a threat to the Resistance. Any possibility, no matter how slim, of getting off this planet could lead to their danger. He knew it too, and he could see it all over her face. Instead of pointing this out, however, he laid on his side, his back to her, and in a few minutes she felt his signature become calm. He had fallen asleep.

Rey’s lips twisted in annoyance. Looks like she had cooked all of this meat for nothing. Oh well, more for her.

As she drew the food closer to her and began tearing at it with her teeth, she debated waking Kylo up. It wasn’t recommended for one to sleep after a serious head injury, but she consoled herself by tapping into their bond a bit, making sure to monitor if his brain activity shifted in an alarming way.

When she finished her dinner she slouched against the opposite cave wall. A steady rain was beginning to fall outside; otherwise she would have left the cave for the night. She huffed, casting a glance at Kylo’s back. She didn’t like being so close to him, they still had their issues after all, but she would just have to deal.

Deciding he wasn’t going to be much of a nuisance to her in his current state, Rey carefully removed her favorite Jedi text and flipped to where she had left off in her reading.

_There are others, like me, who believe the Jedi teachings are a waste of time. I can see it on their faces, in the way they carry themselves. I’ve never vocalized my thoughts to them. We aren’t exactly friends, them and I._

_But they are powerful, and angry, and sick of their master’s vague lessons and pathetic explanations. Perhaps it would be wise for me to attempt to be cordial._

_I don’t have any friends here. It isn’t a surprise; the concept of forming companionships has always been difficult for me. It was one of the many ways in which I was a disappointment to my wretched father. He’s far too obtuse to even begin to understand the Force, so his opinions shouldn’t matter to me. But they do._

_Only here, will I ever admit to that._

The entry ended there, but Rey wanted to keep reading. She glanced over at Kylo once more, and once she was satisfied he was still asleep and still alive, she turned the page.

_After the fourth night in a row of dreaming of her face, I sneak away in the night, out the temple doors and into the surrounding forest. I check over my shoulder constantly, reaching out with the Force to ensure I’m not being followed._

_When I am satisfied, I branch off the pathway and pause by a large tree. I brace one palm against the bark and take myself in my other hand. I rarely do this, not because I have respect for the Jedi code, but because the voice in my head demeans such pleasures. The frustration and longing for this woman has become too much, however, and I know I need to find my release or succumb to distraction._

Rey felt a pleasant twisting in her stomach as she continued to read the prince’s words, and she cast an embarrassed look at Kylo’s sleeping form. While she would _never_ try to reach her own release with him lying so close, she felt oddly dirty for reading something so raw and private with him right there. She shook her head, knowing she was overthinking things, before she continued.

_I wish I knew her name so I could whisper it in her ear. I imagine my hand is her hand, running over me in ways I could only hope to experience. I imagine kissing her sweetly, our tongues intertwining, before we begin to feed off each other’s power._

_She is defiant and fiery, even as I tear her hair free from that style, the tresses falling around her in chestnut waves. I imagine holding her against this tree, pinning her gently by the throat. All the while she stares at me, not with fear, but with defiance._

_As my hand moves faster, I imagine her arms coming around to embrace me, to tug on my hair, to scrape her nails down my back. Everything is rough and hungry and-_

_I spill into my hand, her face a burning picture in my mind. When it’s over, I’m left wondering if I would ever really take her like that if given the chance. Or maybe I would be gentle. Maybe I would touch her like she was fragile, knowing that if she broke, so would I._

_The pain in my stomach has vanished, but I’m left fatigued and lonely and in the dark once more._

Rey closed the book and placed it back into her bag. She was beginning to think that this man would never meet the woman of his dreams, and while it added to the mystery of the whole situation, the thought greatly disappointed her.

She could tell he was so isolated in his despair. He needed someone who would reach out to him, to tell him everything would be okay. If she had been alive when he had written this, she would have gone to him. She would have told him she knew what he felt, that she had experienced it all her life. She wondered if he would smile.

Rey got up and moved next to Kylo, hovering her hand over his temple. His mind seemed mostly undisturbed, save for the muddled dreams that swirled in his head. She would probably need to go back in at some point to finish the repairs, but now was not the time. Like him, she was incredibly exhausted.

She scooted as far away as she could before settling into a sleeping position. She found oblivion quickly, the rain outside creating a seductive white noise.

Not long after, she was roughly shaken awake by a large hand, and her eyes immediately flew open in a glare. Her rude awakening didn’t disorient her. She had become familiar with Kylo Ren’s ungentle touch by now to know it was him at his worst.

“What is it?” she snapped, half-sitting up. She frowned as she surveyed him, her expression softening in slight concern when she considered his injury. “Is your head alright?”

“It’s fine,” he replied tersely, but his ears were a bright pink, and he looked…uncomfortable? She frowned, automatically suspicious.

“Well…out with it then.”

He cleared his throat, and then abruptly glanced away. “You were making noises.”

Rey cocked an eyebrow. “Was I snoring?”

To her utter shock, Kylo’s ears turned a violent red. He was  _definitely_ uncomfortable. “No. You weren’t snoring,” he muttered, his fingers curling into fists.

Realization dawned on Rey when she recalled what the last thing she had read before going to sleep had been. Her cheeks became bright pink as certain images of her dream came rushing back in full force.

“My leg has been bothering me,” she lied, and she knew he wasn’t fooled, but thank Stars he didn’t say anything more on the subject.

 

\---

 

“Does that bag ever leave your side?”

Rey opened her eyes and stretched her legs from her meditative stance. She stuck her bare feet in the pool of water outside the cave, watching as Kylo made a cup with his bare hands to drink from one of the waterfalls.

“It’s important to me,” she replied.

He finished drinking, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “All you have is a couple of obsolete texts and a broken saber. There is absolutely nothing of value worth protecting.”

Rey bristled. “Just because you don’t agree with the Jedi teachings does not make them invaluable.”

Kylo took a few steps in her direction. “Do you honestly find them that fascinating? You must look at them often. I’m stunned you are even able to decipher their pretentiously ambiguous lessons.”

“I don’t just read the teachings,” she snapped back before she had time to decide if this was a risky thing to say.

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “What else do you read?”

Rey paused. “There are…footnotes left by previous students. They’re meaningful.”

“Ah, because the words of Padawans are so inspiring. I’m sure they detail how enlightening it is to give oneself up for a code that should have died with their masters.”

“Not everything has to be about the Force!” Rey’s fingernails dug into her palms. “These texts are ancient. Padawans from hundreds of years ago have written in them. It’s not just about the teachings; it’s about their characters.” Rey’s hand glided over her bag.

Kylo scoffed. “Nothing in those texts is worth the attention you give them.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You’re wrong. There are these entries I’ve been reading. They’re from a student, long passed. He wrote about his own conflict during his training, about a voice and a woman below his caste.” Rey ducked her head in slight embarrassment, so she wasn’t able to see how tense Kylo’s entire body had become. “They mean a lot to me. I don’t expect you to understand but…they remind me of how I felt when I was on Jakku. It’s…nice.”

Rey lifted her head, a deep frown crossing over her face when she discovered Kylo had stormed back into the cave. A small stab of pain ricocheted through her chest. Of course he wouldn’t care. She had opened herself up to him, revealing a little bit more about herself, and he had completely dismissed her. It shouldn’t surprise her, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Rey moved to the lake for the rest of the day to put some distance between her and him. She practiced her poses, tampered with her broken saber-with no progress-and meditated. She attempted sending out a pulse in the Force to Leia, but she had no way of knowing if it had worked or not. Rey placed her bag by her side as she lay on the sand, staring up at the darkening sky. Was the Resistance still looking for her? It was hard to tell how long they had been on this planet. Maybe a week and a half.

Finn would keep looking. No matter what. She could be gone for a year, for three, and he would still search for her. They had a relationship like no other, one that not even a war could destroy.

With her worries eased for the time being, Rey’s eyes began to drift closed. Her fingers fluttered over her bag as she eased into sleep, leaving this planet in the only way she could.

 

\---

 

His presence pierced her mind like a knife, and Rey jolted awake with a violent gasp. She scrambled to her knees, grains of sand flying off her body. She instinctually felt around for her bag, panic and dread settling over her when it wasn’t right beside her.

Her head snapped up when Kylo ignited his saber several feet away, the contents of her bag spilled across the sand. Her eyes widened when she realized what he was about to do.

She jumped to her feet, her hand preparing to whip out and stop him, but he beat her to it. His own arm extended towards her, and she was locked in place. Her face twisted in fury and panic as she fought against his hold. She could tell the strain of keeping her frozen was taxing for him; the sweat dripping down his forehead was a sure indicator of that.

“Get away from them,” Rey wheezed through the grip, her limbs trembling as she struggled to move them.

Kylo staggered closer to the texts, his hand never wavering from its position. “You should never have stolen these,” he grunted.

“Don’t touch them! Don’t you dare touch them!” Her voice was hoarse and desperate, but she couldn’t help it. These texts were the only reminders of the Jedi, the only reminders of Luke.

The only reminders that there had been someone out there lost like her.

Kylo ignored her as he came to the small pile of books. He raised his lightsaber, and that’s when Rey lost it.

“Ben, stop!” she cried, tears streaming down her face now. “Please! Please stop!” She didn’t care how pathetic she sounded. These were _hers,_ and they meant more to her than he would ever know.

Kylo paused the descent of his saber, staring at the books by his feet. He stared at them for what felt like hours, and it was silent, save for the crackle of his blade and Rey’s choked breathing. Finally, _finally,_ he lowered his hand, and Rey could move again. She stumbled forward at once, falling to her knees and gathering the books in her arms. She hugged them tightly to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut, the water flowing down her cheeks.

She was oblivious to Kylo as he watched her reaction, utter disbelief soaking in his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally died while reading all of your comments from the last chapter. They were so well written and hilarious. <3

            Kylo didn’t speak to her for two days, and it was a welcome silence. She had yet to sort out her confused feelings from their last encounter, and she could tell he felt similarly. She didn’t understand why he had been so insistent on destroying the texts. He knew she had had them for a while, so what had made his reaction to them so abruptly aggressive? Even more questionable, why had he decided to spare them?

She had no other explanation other than the isolation on this planet was slowly driving him insane. She supposed that head injury of his didn’t help things either.

Rey sighed as she washed her feet with the lake water. She really should check on his mind once more. She knew for a fact she hadn’t exactly done a bang up job, even though she knew what she _had_ accomplished was quite impressive in itself.

Just as Rey slipped on her shoes, her back stiffened as she sensed a familiar pressure buzzing around her. Her breathing came out quicker as the vacuum of the Force sucked her attention. The bond was connecting them of its own accord again.

The first thing that drew her attention was the light of his saber. It crackled fiercely as he hacked at some unseen enemy. His back was bare, glistening with sweat, and while Rey was normally one to be flustered by such a sight, she found herself more curious as to what he was doing.

His agitated movements continued several more times before he straightened, his shoulders bobbing up and down with his ragged breath. He turned around slowly, a bead of sweat dripping down the exposed column of his throat. He stared right at her.

“Did you need something?” he asked emotionlessly, and normally his impassivity would have made her uneasy.

Except he was blushing.

Rey spluttered anyway though, because Stars knew she never knew what to say around him.

“This wasn’t me. The bond connected us,” she protested.

“Now’s not a good time.” He was coughing uncomfortably. A lot.

Kylo Ren was many things, but Rey had not see this side of him. His weirdness was making _her_ feel weird.

“You say it like I can control this,” she rose to her feet, waving her arms wildly. She guaranteed she looked absolutely loony. When Kylo didn’t respond, Rey paced along the shore, quickly discovering the motion did nothing to quell her discomfort. “Where are you?” she questioned, her tone turning curious.

“The forest.”

“Where?”

He paused, some of the redness on his face fading. “Where we found that creature.”

Rey stopped moving, her sudden concern for him overtaking her awkwardness. “You shouldn’t be in that area by yourself. What if-”

“I don’t need the help of a filthy scavenger,” he interrupted, without much bite. She knew they were beyond such juvenile insults, but she could also sense his insecurities at having been caught so unaware the day of his head injury.

She rose to the bait anyway. “Clearly you do.” She watched him look to the side, and she almost felt a little guilty. She sighed. “Let’s meet back at the cave. I need to check your wound.”

He opened his mouth like he was about to respond, but at that moment the bond broke, and Rey was left alone again. Her shoulders slumped. If they were going to survive here they needed to find a better system. They couldn’t just continue down this volatile path if it was going to lead to resentment and even _more_ arguing or...whatever it was they had just been doing.  

Although Kylo hadn’t exactly agreed to meet her back at the cave, Rey decided to head in that direction anyway. She slung her bag around her shoulder and arrived at their shelter a few minutes after, making sure to stretch the muscles in the leg that was sore.

She took a seat by the entrance of the cave, taking out the Jedi text. Perhaps it was cocky to be reading it so out in the open, but for some reason she knew Kylo would not make another attempt to destroy them. She had sensed his utter confusion at her desperation, and perhaps it had stunned him enough to reconsider the cost of ruining them. It was almost a comforting thought, to have him alter his actions in order to rebuild their trust. If that _was_ what he was doing.  

Rey flipped to the latest entry, an unpleasant feeling turning in her chest when she realized she was more than halfway through the text. She would have to read the prince’s words less frequently, in order to spare what little records she had of him. Today, however, would not be one of those days.

_When I see her again, it is only her, and she is laughing._

_Her eyes are bright, and the skin around her lids crinkles pleasantly in her joy. I hear her voice for the first time, lower than I had imagined, but melodious in its laughter. Someone is beside her, someone I don’t recognize. His features are blurry, not fully formed, but his hands and lips are dark._

_A surge of jealousy penetrates my veins at the sight of her with another. I wonder about their relationship, what it is that makes her laugh like that. Whenever she sees me it is either anger or fear that covers her face. All I want is to see her face now, like this, but aimed in my direction._

_Until this most recent vision, the past several weeks I have started to accept that we shall never meet. She is nothing more than a figment, a wistful desire, and so I have done my best to block her out. Why should I dwell on a woman whom I was never destined to be with? Even as I watch her now, this magnificent sculpture of smiles and dimples, I remind myself that it is not meant to be._

_And then the rest of her surroundings fade into view._

_The man beside her stays fuzzy, but I begin to make out some of his features. A broad nose and thick hair. The rest doesn’t matter. He is the least of my concerns._

_When the background fades in around them, my heart drops. They are aboard a ship, one I know well. It is one I have seen my entire life._

_When she laughs again the pounding of my heart obscures the sound. She is real, and she is closer than I know._

Rey _had_ to close the book or she knew she would skip ahead to the next entry. Once she tucked the text safely away, she placed a hand against her chest. Her own heart was beating in anticipation. He might finally be able to meet the girl.

What would their first encounter be like? The prince seemed to think she might be afraid or angry with him. Rey knew from the context that the two were from different castes, so perhaps his status as a noble and a soon-to-be Jedi intimidated her. She knew if it were her, she would certainly be wary.

Maybe they would meet and he would find the woman had also seen visions of them together. Maybe they would realize their destinies were intertwined. Maybe neither one would have to be alone anymore.

Rey’s dreamy expression dropped off her face when she saw Kylo approaching the cave. His eyes had been trained on her, so he had obviously seen her smiling like an idiot. His eyebrow was raised, but he didn’t ask any questions, thankfully.

Rey cleared her throat. “You certainly took your time.”

Kylo grunted, and Rey took the silence that followed to examine him. His body was clean and his hair was damp but orderly, far different from the sweaty, disheveled mess she had seen through their Force Bond. He had most likely bathed before arriving.

She was thankful he had decided to wear a shirt.

Kylo retreated into the cave, and Rey followed him inside, against her better judgment. “Would you like me to take a look at your head?”

“I’m fine.” He sounded off. He sat against the wall.

Rey frowned. She shouldn’t care, but what if his mind was still damaged? She was doing this for herself, she remembered. Yes, that was it. It was so he wouldn’t accidently die in his sleep and leave her here.

She reached her hand to him. “Just let me take one look-”

His arm lunged out, and he grabbed her wrist, his gaze suddenly hard. “I said _no_.”

His grip didn’t appear to be loosening anytime soon, so Rey knelt beside him to accommodate the uncomfortable angle. “Is it because of before? I didn’t see anything I didn’t already know.”

“Did it ever cross your mind there are some things you _don’t_ know that I don’t want you to see?” His voice had become strained, and it did nothing to help her confusion.

Rey raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one who insisted on connecting our minds again. Now you’re saying you can’t stand the thought of me entering yours?”

“Not in this case. You’d have an advantage.”

Rey huffed. “Is that your only reservation?”

“It’s a good one,” he retorted.

Her lips thinned in annoyance. “Fine. If you let me in I’ll…allow you to try and connect the bond from your end…to see if we can manage it on our own.” She paused. “I won’t take you don’t want me to. I promise.”

Kylo’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Why do you care about healing me?”

She huffed, becoming exasperated. “Because despite what you might believe Ben, I’m not a sadist! I don’t _enjoy_ seeing you in pain!”

His eyes widened at that, and he released her wrist in surprise. Her arm fell by her side, and she glared at him in frustration before wiping at her forehead uncomfortably.

“Just let me try,” she murmured. “This will be the last time.”

She saw him swallow, and then finally he nodded. She took his hand in her own then, moving her eyes up to his as she slowly removed his glove. She watched as his lips parted a bit, and her eyes flickered to them briefly. His glove hung between her pinched fingertips before she let it drop to the cave floor.

When she had attempted healing him the first time, the process had been rushed because he was in peril, and she was in a panic. Now that she had more time, however, she wanted to ensure their connection was strong before she entered his mind again.

She slid her hand into his, her bare palm hot against his own. They stared down at their hands, and Rey could feel the energy of the Force humming with every movement of skin. They stayed there for minutes, becoming familiar with the intimate sensation of being so close to another Force user. Just when Rey thought the thrumming had reached its peak, Kylo intertwined their fingers, and she emitted a small gasp. His shoulders tensed as he let out his own quiet breath. The tingling that had built between their hands flooded their entire bodies, beating strongly as one. It was intoxicating.

Rey’s eyes met his as he gingerly moved their joined hands towards him, pressing her fingertips against his temple. Rey wasn’t sure if their physical connection had encouraged him to do so, but she was glad for the opportunity. He was giving her his permission, so she took it.

She was alarmed when the first thing she saw was Poe, beaten and bloody and strapped to an interrogation table. Gloved hands reached out toward the pilot, hands that were hers in this vision. Rey swallowed, remembering this was Kylo’s memory, not her own, before she mended the blurry aspects of it.

She was hugging something large with thick fur. She entangled her baby fingers around the hair, tugging at the strands. She glanced up and laughed, her voice high with boyish giggles as Chewbacca stared down at her, his lips drawing up in an amused smile.

When Rey mended this memory, the next several came in quick succession. She struggled to keep up, honing her concentration to ensure she fixed any damage she saw in his mind.

She was flying the _Falcon_ for the first time, her masculine, teenage arms gripping the controls in attention. She was drawing in a notebook, her back leaning against some ancient, old tree. She was slicing down a civilian man in the pouring rain. She was standing before Snoke, her knee digging into the marble flooring.

She saw herself standing in that forest on Starkiller, saw the fear and determination mirrored in her own eyes. The lightsaber sprang to life in a magnificent, electric blue.

Rey withdrew from his mind voluntarily this time. She had done all she could with her limited abilities. Kylo couldn’t quite look at her, and she didn’t blame him. He always put on this façade, that Ben Solo was dead. She had just witnessed first hand that that could not be further from the truth. Still, the memories he had shown her were ones he had _wanted_ her to see.

Was it possible for Ben Solo to come back?

Rey’s hand lingered on his face, and she traced it down to cup his jaw. He looked at her then, and her breath caught in her throat. She had never seen him so vulnerable, so willing to let himself be seen. She wasn’t sure how to process that.

She gulped and removed her hand, brushing it along her thigh awkwardly. “Would you like to look?” she questioned. A promise was a promise after all.

He surprised her, however, when he shook his head. “Not now.”

Rey nodded, not sure what else to do. She thought Kylo would have leapt at the opportunity to get even, but maybe he was as drained by the whole process as she was. Deciding he could probably use the extra space, Rey moved to sit by the cave entrance.

As she watched the sky change color, she could feel his eyes on her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all have been so patient with this slow-burn. I promise we’re getting there!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ:
> 
> First of all, your reviews give me life. <3
> 
> Also, I low key need some serious, creative advice, and I know you guys won’t let me down. 
> 
> So I’m quite excited to start my new story “The Middle Woman,” which once again will focus on the tense dynamic between Rey, Ben, Finn and Poe, (with Rey of course being caught in the middle of her friends and her romance with Ben).
> 
> My only problem is I can’t decide which universe to put this story in. I like the idea of it being set in modern day but I also like the idea of it being in a Star Wars Alternate Universe. Help a girl out. I’ve included both potential summaries in the bottom notes. Let me know which one you would hypothetically like to read more! Be honest. I literally can’t decide. (Cries.)

_Today is the best day I’ve had in a while._

_I receive a transmission from my mother. She rarely bothers to call, so I know I should be bitterer than I am, but there is a part of me that yearns to hear her voice after so many months of silence. When we talk she seems distracted, but she doesn’t mention my father, so I am grateful._

_Today I also have a vision of the girl, and it isn’t like the others. She wraps around me like a vine, her body smooth and her hands soft. She smells like sand and sun and sweat, her hair tickling my shoulder._

_She doesn’t speak to me, but her hand presses against my chest, feeling my heartbeat. The sunlight trickles down through a cracked opening, making patterns of light on her back._

_I’ve never understood what my ‘master’ means about finding peace until now. This is the most at peace I’ve ever felt, and when my vision clears my eyes are wet._

Rey heard Kylo enter the cave, and she instinctively went to close the book. She paused halfway, however, when his eyes drifted over her fleetingly before he moved to sit down. The anger he once held when he saw her reading the texts had been replaced with only mild distain.

Rey glanced over the passage once more, taking her time before returning the book to her bag. She had thought about tampering with her saber more that day, but now that Kylo was back she figured this would be the perfect time to open her mind to him and test their bond.

“Do you want to…” the words died on her lips when he removed his glove and shifted his body toward hers. Her hand came out, only hesitating for a second before she connected their skin. The gesture was becoming less and less strange the more they did it.

Rey suppressed a shudder as his thumb skidded over the back of her hand. She wondered why he did that. Did he know it bothered her? That is made her wonder how someone so cruel and so dark could also be gentle?

Her eyes met his briefly before she closed them, her hand tightening around his. She focused her energy and delicately brought the back of his hand to rest against her cheek, her temple. She felt the Force beat between the two of them as they left the cave.

Some of the memories were easier to control than others. She showed him ones he had already seen, of her on Jakku, alone and waiting. Her tiny, dirty fingers wrapped around the doll she had fashioned, her arms jerking in a way that simulated flight. She showed him the first time she had won a match in a Jakku fighting ring. She had been fifteen, and the winnings had been enough to feed her for three days.

She showed him when she was nineteen, working on her old speeder. She showed him how she had scavenged and fought for everything she had needed to survive. She showed him the quiet moments she had, of which there were many. The nights where she watched the dark orange sunsets of her planet, coloring the sky in dances of warmth and light before darkness.

Rey selected these memories carefully, wanting to save the more intimate, precious ones for herself. She felt him push gently against her mind as he yearned to see more, and as their bond flowed she found she couldn’t always conceal what she wanted.

She was in the _Falcon_ with Finn, their banter filling the vessel in a mixture of laughter and mock offense. She was on Crait, shaking hands with Poe. She was looking out across a beautiful lake, talking with Han, thinking about the possibility of not returning to Jakku. She saw herself dancing clumsily with Poe as Finn looked on and laughed, BB-8 playing one of the few tunes she knew from over in the corner. She saw Leia’s hand curling over hers in caring and solidarity. She saw her hugging the older woman after Han’s death.

She saw herself in her room aboard a Resistance vessel, practicing her poses in only her wrappings. She saw herself combing over the Jedi texts, her eyes eager to read every line. She saw herself on this planet, stumbling through the sand. She saw herself watching Kylo by the lake, his bare torso shifting in the sunlight. She saw her head lean back against the cave wall, her cheeks pink and her lips parted and-

Rey yanked both of them out of the memory violently, her hand jerking back from his as the connection was broken. Her face was aflame, and she didn’t dare look him in the eye as mortification festered in her stomach. She cleared her throat several times, rising from her seat with her bag already slung around her shoulder.

“We’re even now,” she croaked, before she sprinted out of the shelter.

 

\---

 

Rey spent the rest of the day practicing poses, anything to distract her mind from the embarrassment she had endured earlier. She should have known connecting their bond would lead to trouble. He had pushed at her boundary, and she had let him. Stars, if only she hadn’t become so caught up in the feeling of being bonded with someone, of being attached so intimately, maybe she would have maintained the focus she needed to put him in his place.

On the way back from her training, Rey managed to kill a small animal and bring it back to the shelter. As she dropped her kill off at the cave entrance, making sure to pointedly ignore Kylo as he drank from the falls, Rey grimaced as she examined her weapon. The makeshift staff was starting to weaken; the stones on one end were wearing away at the stick beneath it. She made a mental note to put all of her energy into mending her saber once and for all.

After dinner Rey found she couldn’t stomach being in the same vicinity as Kylo any longer; her mortification from earlier was too great to handle his burning gazes. She solved the situation by camping outside the cave, as she had done most nights upon their arrival to this planet. Rey ran a hand over her arms, discovering the weather had become slightly cooler. She wasn’t familiar with the climate of this planet, but she knew if the temperature dipped significantly they would be in trouble.

The nebula was particularly pretty tonight. The blues and purples swirled together like a delicious candy. If she squinted her eyes she could make out some of the neighboring planets; their distance making them look like nothing more than moons. The lilac moonlight of this planet, however, shone brightly, its strange rays bathing her in a splashing of colored glimmers.

It was during these most recent quiet moments when Rey would finally acknowledge, somewhere in the back of her mind, that her friends weren’t coming for her. She knew if this were the case it wouldn’t be for a lack of wanting, but she supposed it was selfish of her to expect them to tirelessly search for her during wartime.

She imagined Finn passionately protesting, tears pricking his eyes as he tried to convince the others they should keep looking. Rose would be on his side, she usually was, but Poe and Leia would look on with somber expressions. Rey knew it was likely Leia could sense her Force signature, could inform the others she was still alive, but without a map how could they locate her? It was like she was Luke Skywalker, but this time she desperately wanted to be found.

Rey wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before the tears could fall. She felt Kylo exiting the cave, and she deliberately turned her head as he sat down beside her, trying to hide her tears but knowing he had seen anyway.

“What do you want?” she grumbled, sniffing.

“Do I have to want something?” he replied, his voice low.

“Yes.”

She heard him sigh, and she finally turned her head, regarding him curiously. He stared out at the water in front of them, and she noted his hands were bare.

“You’re upset,” he observed, his eyes remaining on the water.

Rey stifled a snort. “That’s a bit of an understatement.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”

She furrowed her eyebrows before she realized he was referring to their earlier connection. He must have mistaken her despair for that. Was…was Kylo Ren attempting to… _comfort_ her?

“It’s not that,” she blurted, feeling her cheeks redden at the unfortunate memory. “It’s being…here.”

“With me?” He said this carefully, his hands curled tightly in his lap.

Rey blinked. “I…don’t you feel the same way? Surely you’d rather not be stranded?” “I don’t have much of a choice.”

“But the Order-”

“I’ve already told you. There will be no search efforts.”

Rey shook her head. “So you’ve resigned yourself.”

“Until I figure a way off this planet.”

“You think there’s such a way?”

Kylo was silent, and it was so quiet Rey could only hear the faint lapping of the pool. She kept her eyes on him, marveling at the thoughtful expression on his face, lit up in purple.

“Who is that pilot to you?”

“What?” Rey asked, caught off guard.

“Dameron,” he explained, his mouth set in a frown.

Rey blinked. “What…why does that matter?”

He paused. “Forget it.”

They lapsed into silence again, and Rey was more muddled than ever. Just when she was debating if she should get up and put some distance between the two of them, he spoke again.

“Those must be really important to you,” he murmured, his eyes flitting to the bag on the other side of her. He said it so softly; it was like he was speaking more to himself.

Rey was well aware he was talking about the entries and her attachment to them. She supposed from his perspective it must seem odd for her to be so utterly obsessed with something, considering he knew the practicality of her nature. She couldn’t help it though. The words on these pages were like a drug, feeding her emotional need for companionship and understanding.

Articulation was not her strong suit though, so she just shrugged.

“I don’t understand you,” she mentioned, after a beat.

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “How do you mean?”

She removed her hand from her bag. “You’ve said the past must die…that everything, the Jedi, Snoke, Skywalker…they need to meet their ends…yet your actions or lack thereof contradict that.”

His eyes hardened. “How so?”

She stared at him meaningfully. “You haven’t killed me.”

Even now Rey could feel the conflict inside him, tearing him to shreds. It would be so easy for him to finish her when she did not have a saber. It would be so easy for him to end the last Jedi. He could simply reach for the weapon around his belt…

Instead his hand came up to cup her cheek. “Do you think I could?” he asked, his thumb brushing along her skin in a way that was now familiar.

She swallowed shakily. “No,” she whispered.

For a moment Rey thought he would dip his head, and in that same moment, she thought she would let him. But his eyes fell to her bag again, and the struggle in his eyes returned. He finally stood up and retreated into the cave, and Rey was left outside with a pounding heart and pink cheeks.

 

\---

 

That night was the first cold night they had had since crash landing. Rey moved into the cave early into the night, finding the wind too harsh for her to fall asleep. The fire in the center of the shelter was weak, but it at least provided some semblance of warmth. She blew into her hands and rubbed them together, greedily shifting as close to the flames as possible.

She wasn’t the only one affected. Kylo had drawn into himself, lying on his side with his back to the fire. His gloves were back on and as Rey’s eyes raked over him, she became aware of how jealous she was of his thick layers.

She curled into a ball across from him, her face glowing from the small flames. Rain had begun pouring steadily outside, causing the temperature to drop further. She grunted as a violent shudder racked her body, from her neck all the way down to the tips of her toes. This happened thrice more before Kylo brushed against her mind.

_You’re cold,_ he said through their bond, rather unhelpfully.

She gazed at him from across the fire, his back still to her. He looked like he was asleep, but Rey knew better. She didn’t answer, deciding that responding to him wasn’t going to help her situation.

_Rey,_ he prodded, and she lifted her head. _Come here._ He must have felt her shock and mistook it for revulsion, for he added defensively, _Surely you’re mature enough to realize the circumstances._

It wasn’t that. If it had been anyone else she would have gladly scrambled over to huddle for warmth. But even after everything they had been through this was still _him._ This was the man that killed Han Solo, and countless others. This was the man that had put her friends in danger more times than she could count…and she had already gotten closer to him than she would have liked. She had allowed herself to reconnect with him, allowed him to brush over her hand and her cheek and her mind in an almost…intimate way. To come over to him now would only make this web even more tangled.

She wouldn’t go over to him, and she tried to convey all of this in a pulse through the Force. She felt him process the transaction, and then he went silent through their bond. Rey thought this meant he had decided to let her be, so she squeezed her eyes shut as another shiver traveled up her spine. She heard him get up then, and she kept her eyes closed. Her body stiffened as she realized what he was doing. He had accepted she couldn’t bring herself to go to him, so he went to her.

Rey would have been touched if she weren’t so weary and conflicted. The end result was still the same, no matter if he was the one who had initiated the contact. That being said, it was hard to protest when he lay down behind her back with a soft grunt, warmth now sandwiching both her sides.

He was slow to move in, as if she would jerk away from his touch at any moment. When it became clear she would not, however, he pressed the front of his body firmly against her back, and then a moment later one of his arms came over her side.

Rey opened her eyes and stared into the fire. Her gaze trailed down to her side where she could see his gloved fingers limply hanging over her waist. His nose touched the back of her neck, and with each breath he took, the wisps of her hair would bob up and down. As her shivers slowly died, she shifted against him and his arms tightened around her.

In that moment she was so comfortable she couldn’t even find it in herself to be guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (See author’s note at the top of the page.)
> 
> Potential Summaries for “The Middle Woman.”
> 
> Modern AU Version:
> 
> Rey think she likes Ben Solo. Her best friends, Finn and Poe, do not. 
> 
> When famous war hero Luke Skywalker goes missing, circumstances force them altogether, and Rey must keep these three men from tearing each other apart. 
> 
> She didn’t count on them sharing a bitter history. And she definitely didn’t count on falling for her friends’ worst enemy. 
> 
> Things are about to get tense…
> 
> Star Wars AU Version:
> 
> The war is over and Kylo Ren has begun serving his life sentence to the New Republic. After the council assigns Rey, Finn, and Poe to act as the former Supreme Leader’s handlers, Rey knows she’s going to have to keep these three men from tearing each other apart. 
> 
> She didn’t count on them all being cramped on the Millennium Falcon. And she definitely didn’t count on falling for her friends’ worst enemy. 
> 
> Things are about to get tense…
> 
> \---
> 
> Let me know which one you like better. :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback and advice for the previous chapter! It really helped me :)
> 
> Star Wars AU it is! Can’t wait to get started.

That night her dreams were filled of visions of the prince and his writings. She pictured the orange sands where the woman he loved often walked. She saw him running and sparring with an opponent or curled up in his bunk, staring at the ceiling. She imagined him embracing _her,_ telling her how lonely it was without his love. Rey couldn’t relate to the romantic heartbreak he felt, but she could emphasize with him on other levels. His isolation was like her own. It didn’t matter that she knew nothing of what he looked or sounded like. He was faceless, nameless, but he was hers.

His hands were gentle, even if the tips of his fingers were rough. His lips were hot against the back of her neck as he moved against her. She eagerly brushed back to meet him, her movements enthusiastic, as it had been days since she had last sought her own release. Pleasure coursed between her legs as she angled her body closer to him, pressing just right. The aching grew steadily and she was so _close…_

Rey became vaguely aware of the hard rock beneath her as her eyes began to twitch beneath her lids. In her half-asleep haze she was able to recognize it was still dark, and the more conscious part of her mind tried to will her back to sleep to finish the dream.

She made a soft noise as her lower half bumped against something softly, and she moved a few times until she realized it was moving with her.

_It’s him,_ she thought sleepily, wondering if she had reentered her dream.

She was rubbing against him faster, and she bit her lip when he made contact with the place that sent fire up into her stomach. She pushed into him firmly, and she heard a small groan, which sent her back into reality.

Her eyes opened and connected with the burnt out fire in front of her; the only sign that there had been one at all was the soft glowing of a couple of embers. She felt the familiar leather of a glove on her bare arm and her entire body stiffened.

Rey rolled away at once, nearly landing in the ashes of their fire pit. Kylo opened his eyes confusedly, but his irises were dark with muddled desire. She could see the outline of his erection in his pants, and he must have realized this, for he sat up quickly and turned away from her.

Shame flooded through Rey, and she stood up and ran out of the cave without another word. She couldn’t stand to talk to him, to be near him. She ran out of their alcove and through the forest until she was gasping for air. She leaned against a tree to steady herself, trying to sort through all of these mixed emotions, bracing herself until the sun began to rise.

She had initiated it. It wasn’t even a question. But did _he_ know that?

Stars, she needed to get off this planet.

As she wiped the sweat off her brow and stood straight, a spike of horror shot down her spine. Her breath stalled in realization.

She had left the bag in the cave.

Rey sprinted back the way she came, dread encompassing her heart like poison. She had been so careless, so impulsive and foolish, that she had left her most important items in the hands of someone who was _supposed_ to be her greatest enemy.

When she came back through the entrance of the cave, Kylo was seated in the back, his hands around her book with the entries. With the way he was looking at it, Rey had the impression he had been reading for a while. It felt like a violation, as if he were reading _her_ diary and not a stranger’s.

She immediately whipped out her hand, and the book came sailing into her arms. Kylo’s head jerked up. Outrage was written all over both of their faces, and Kylo stood so he was level with her.

“How dare you touch my things,” Rey seethed, her arms tightening around the text.

Kylo’s eyes darkened. “Come back to claim what’s yours, have you?”

Rey hated how her cheeks reddened at the double meaning. “You’re mad! Just…just stay away from me.”

Of course he did the opposite. He came right up to her, but she held her ground, knowing if she took a step back he would win.

“I’m not going to fight you.”

Her eyes widened at his words. This was certainly not what she had expected. She recovered quickly and set her gaze in a doubtful gaze. “Maybe we should…split up,” she announced suddenly, both thrilled and miserable at the thought.

He paused. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do! You’re…you…”

“Don’t act like I’ve been unwelcoming,” he retorted, his tone implying the opposite. “And don’t lie. We’re beyond lying to each other.”

Rey was silent, so Kylo took the opportunity to step forward until they were only inches apart.

“You forget that I’ve been inside your mind, Rey,” he murmured. “I’ve seen your fears, your hopes, your desires…” His eyes flickered down to her book. “I know what you’ve read.” His gaze traveled up her body to land on her face, and she flinched. “I know what you think about when you touch yourself.” He removed his glove and extended the appendage towards her, as if to touch her cheek. “I feel your desire for the Dark…and for me.”

_Don’t be afraid. I feel it too._

Rey stepped away before he could touch her, bending down to grab her bag and frantically stuffing the book inside before slinging it around her shoulder. “You’re wrong,” she said, but her voice broke.

And then she fled for the second time.

 

\---

 

It had been three days since Rey had seen Kylo.

She had permanently moved to the sands by the lake, using the meager clustering of rocks to act as a shelter when it rained or became too cold. When she grew thirsty, she would sneak back to the falls, making sure she couldn’t sense him before she did so. She spent her days reading, tampering with her saber, training, and thinking about Finn. As the days passed she began to feel more and more isolated.

It was like she was back on Jakku.

One night it became unbearable cold, and she couldn’t sleep. She spent the time practicing her poses until she was able to feel her fingers and toes again. When she read from the entries, she made sure to take her time, knowing that there couldn’t be many left.

It was the late afternoon of the fourth day since she had separated from Kylo, and Rey was perched against a boulder, deciding to indulge herself in the enticing words that would grant her some peace.

_Tonight I had the most vivid image of her. It’s so crystal clear that I know I’m seeing her in real time, a first. She’s watching a sunset. Her body is supple and womanly, but her face is young. She appears to be in her teenager years, far younger than I._

_She doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t speak or change her expression. She just stares at the sky and watches. Something about her tells me she has done this hundreds of times._

_My chest breaks in this moment, and I cannot lie to myself anymore. The voice is right. This girl, no matter how real she is, she is beneath me. I have too many enemies; even those I share a room with are lying in wait, biding their time until they can cut me down. I can’t have distractions. I have to be ready. The voice will help me; will guide me to my true destiny._

_Which means I have to let her go._

The entry ended there, so Rey turned to the next page and then froze. There was more writing there, but it was water damaged. Rey’s mind immediately went to accuse Kylo, but after closer inspection she realized this had been done long ago. Perhaps the prince had left some rather damning details he wished to cover.

She flipped through each page at least ten times, making sure she hadn’t missed an entry. When it became clear the one she had just read was his final record, she closed the book with shaky hands.

She had thought there would be so much more. She had thought he would find this woman; that he would find a place to belong. The way it ended made it seem like he had succumbed to his loneliness.

Rey would give anything to learn more. What else would occupy her when she was stranded like this? She wished she could speak to him, to encourage him to follow his instincts, to not give up, to not accept a life of isolation.

She cared for him, whoever he was. He had made her care for him, through his calligraphy, through his images. In a different life if they had met would they have become friends? More?

She placed the book in her bag and swallowed her tears. It was pathetic, all of it. She should meditate to clear her mind, but instead she let herself feel. She wanted Finn. She wanted Poe and Leia and Luke and Han. She even wanted her parents, after everything.

Rey pawed at her eyes and stood, deciding she couldn’t sit there any longer. She moved through her poses, the task giving her mind something to focus on other than her sorrow. When she was panting and sweating, she stripped down to her skin and waded into the cool water, scrubbing every inch of her body, and then diving beneath the surface.

She stayed under for a long time, longer than she should have. Only when she felt the air in her lungs rush out did she break the surface, gasping.

By now, the sun had set and the purple moon had cast its light over her as it always did. She was shivering, the temperature of the water pebbling her skin. She walked back towards the shore until only her ankles were submerged. She stared at the moon and at the nebula, finding momentary peace as she gazed at the stars.

She sensed the buzzing of their bond then.

In any other scenario, in any other time, she would have frantically scrambled for her clothing or splashed into the water to cover herself. But she was frozen of her own accord.

He stood behind her on the shore, and she heard him inhale sharply. And then she turned. She watched him impassively, the purple rays scattering across her bare face and body. She let him feel her misery, her isolation, and her hopelessness. She hated admitting to the latter, but it was true, even if the feeling was only temporary. Tomorrow she would pick herself up and start anew, determination to get off this planet coursing through her veins, but right now, she let it consume her.

His hand twitched by his side, but he kept his eyes on hers. Then, the curiosity became too great and his eyes glided down, sweeping over her slowly from head to toe. Despite her nakedness, Rey was less uncomfortable than she would have thought. She had grown used to his lingering gazes. He tended to watch her often, whether it be over dinner or while she trained or read.

She found there was something surreal in standing across from him like this. There was a power that came with it, not necessarily controlling, but freeing.

They stood there in silence for as long as the Force allowed, and when it finally broke Rey exhaled softly. Her hands came up to squeeze the last of the water from her hair, and she stepped onto the sand, picking up her clothes and placing layer after layer onto her body.

She was a little warmer that night.

 

\---

 

Rey trudged through the forest the next morning, her hands tightly grasping the two ends of her broken saber. While she hadn’t made any progress in actually mending the thing, she at least learned that if she were to properly repair it, she would need a new kyber crystal. So, obviously the next logical conclusion was to wander the planet searching for one.

She knew it was foolish. The odds of there being anything more useful than food on this remote world was laughable, but having something to do made Rey feel productive. So if she had to meander aimlessly to ward off the darkness, then so be it.

She emerged from the density of the trees and came across the clearing with their destroyed crafts. She scavenged for a bit, collecting a few more pieces of scrap mental, perhaps to fashion another temporary weapon. She packed the pieces she desired into her bag.

_Come back._

Rey raised her head, despite the fact she knew he wasn’t there. This was the first time he had tried to reach out to her with the bond since she had left. Rey’s hands stalled on her bag strap, debating whether or not to ignore him.

_Please._

She sighed, already knowing she would go to him. What was it about him that made her want to stay by his side? She took one more look at their annihilated ships before she walked in the direction of their shelter.

She found him standing outside the cave, and she faltered, not quite knowing what to expect. His eyes drifted to her satchel, and her hands instinctively tightened around the strap.

“I’m not staying,” she announced, her face firm.

“Why not?”

“I don’t trust you,” she replied, knowing the statement was only half true. “I don’t trust you to keep your hands off _my_ property.”

He snorted with such derision that Rey wondered if she was missing something.

“Your arrogance rivals Skywalker’s.”

Rey glared. “Don’t you talk about him. This has nothing to do with him.”

“It has _everything_ to do with him.”

“Ben,” Rey said, her voice dropping as she approached him, switching tactics. “Back in the throne room…we never had the chance to say exactly what we meant. There wasn’t enough time.” Her eyes searched his desperately. “If I could go back I would…”

“Don’t pretend you would stay,” Kylo rasped, his expression wrought with pain. It was then that Rey realized why he had always worn a mask. His face was much too expressive to keep his real feelings hidden for long.

She shook her head. “I’m not pretending anything but I’m…” she took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.”

He stared at her, long and hard. “You shouldn’t have left that night,” he replied stubbornly.

“I had to. You may deny it, but the Resistance was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a family.”

“I could have been your family.”

He said it so matter of factly that Rey was at a loss for words. He was expecting her to respond, but the truth was, she had nothing. “Ben…I….”

“I still could be,” he murmured, leaning in.

“Why would you want to?” she whispered back miserably, but she tilted her head up.

“Because you give me purpose.”

His mouth came over hers, and she moved into him, days of tension and attraction and emotion finally spilling over the edge. His hand gripped her waist, insistent and possessive as he slid his tongue into her mouth, and her bag fell to the ground, forgotten. Rey made a small noise of surprise, unused to these sensations, but she found they were not an unwelcome ones. She hesitantly touched her own tongue against his, and he pulled her flush against his hips.

And then his last statement registered in her mind.

Rey’s eyes flew open and she took a step backwards, breaking their contact. Kylo looked disappointed, confused, and a little outraged from her sudden change in mood. She couldn’t help it. Something in her clicked.

The sand. The snow. The voice. The Light. The Dark. The master. The woman.

_She gives me purpose in a world where I find none._

Her heart dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm evil. Please feel free to express your hatred of me in the comments. ;)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit stuff from here on out. Also beware, there are some sections in this chapter with mildly dubious consent.

"It’s you,” she whispered, and he didn’t have to respond. The fact that the tips of his ears were a bright red was answer enough.

She should have known from the start. It was rather obvious, now that she really thought about it. She had been blinded by the beauty of his words, had been seduced by his need for companionship, a feeling she knew violently. He had won her over with his intimacy between the pages, and it had made her fall in love with this version of him.

She felt numb.

Rey wordlessly slumped to her knees, barely registering he was walking quickly in the direction of the forest. She stared at the ground until she could barely feel his Force signature. She was finding it difficult to sort out her feelings.

He didn’t come back until very late, and even when he did he couldn’t meet her eyes. He curled into a ball on his side and went to sleep without eating. Although he didn’t _really_ sleep, she could feel his thoughts churning in his brain. She didn’t sleep much either, deciding she would use the time to meditate. She made sure to step outside before she settled into her position and let the Force wash over her.

When she opened her eyes she saw a figure in familiar, brown, shabby robes, and she stood immediately.

“Master Skywalker,” she said, and Luke turned to her with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s about time you contacted me,” he said wryly, and Rey blinked in disbelief.

“You haven’t exactly been reaching out,” she argued, still in shock that she had been able to summon such a clear image of her former mentor.

Luke shrugged. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I need your guidance,” she admitted.

Luke nodded. “I can see that.”

Rey’s shoulders slackened as her uncertainty fell over her. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About my nephew.”

“About _everything._ ”

Luke regarded her carefully. “Even now, you’re still searching for answers, but this time the questions are different.”

“I know I shouldn’t use the Force for-”

“This has nothing to do with the Force.”

Rey’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “But…”

Luke came up to her, and Rey felt a trace of panic when his image began to blur already. No! She had only just been reunited with him and-

“This isn’t something the Jedi teachings can help you with, Rey,” he said, his voice becoming lighter as he faded. “It’s all up to you, kid.”

 

\---

 

When she came to it was morning, and Kylo was nowhere to be found. Rey reached out through their bond without hesitation.

_Ben,_ she called, sweat beading on her hairline from concentration. _Where are you?_

She knew he had heard, but he didn’t respond. She was starting to grow impatient.

_Come back now. I mean it or I’ll…_

_You’ll what?_

Rey’s fingernails dug into her palm. _Just come back._ Oh, how the roles had reversed. Now she was the one begging.

He faded from her mind, and she growled in frustration. She leaned against the cave wall and threw open her satchel, furiously studying the pieces of her saber to give her mind something to do. She worked on it all day, even when the sun had set and she could barely see what she was doing. She ran her fingers along the broken edges, considering all of the places that might host kyber crystals. She pretended to attach the two pieces together, as if she could make them reconnect by sheer will.

“…I don’t think that’s going to work.”

Rey glanced up, immediately placing the pieces on the ground and standing. Kylo stood by the entrance, his massive form nearly blocking the stream of purple moonlight that filtered inside. His hair was slightly damp, perhaps from a recent bathing. His expression was cool, but Rey could see the frustration and even a trace of anxiety lurking beneath the surface.

“I didn’t think you would come back,” Rey admitted, shuffling awkwardly.

“I’m back.”

Rey huffed. Of course he had to be difficult. “I think we should…talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He did well to keep his voice emotionless, and Rey approached him, knowing they weren’t going to get anywhere if he kept up this façade.

“You don’t understand what it was like for me, to see that part of you,” she told him, getting right to the point. “Even if I didn’t know it was you I…it really helped me.”

Kylo grunted. “That boy was pathetic. Weak. It was foolish to keep records like that.”

“I’m glad you did,” she responded firmly. “And don’t say that about yourself.”

“That’s not-”

“It _is_ you Ben,” she said insistently. “I don’t care what you say. That part of you still exists.” Before she could think better of it, she reached out and took his hand. It felt odd, holding it without the intent to connect their bond. She swallowed nervously. “You know how I feel about it.”

When she met his eyes again they were hungry, and she could feel the desire flowing from him. How ironic it was, for her to have read his deepest desires for weeks, only to now discover she was the one he fantasized about.

Heat pooled low in her stomach at the thought.

He brought one gloved hand to hold the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her hair as he yanked it upwards. She stared at him defiantly, challenging him in the way he wanted, in the way she always did.

He crushed his mouth to hers, and this time it was desperate. The sensation was bruising, ungentle, but not unwanted. Rey’s hands came up to grip the front of his shirt, moving her mouth clumsily against his. He gripped her upper arms and pressed her against the cave wall, his body flush against hers. His cock was already hard against her hip.

He groaned as he ground himself against her, his mouth attaching to her neck. He lifted his head briefly to remove one glove with his teeth before dropping the accessory and snaking his hand under her tunic. His palm was warm against the flesh of her stomach, and Rey bit her lip as his other glove came off, moving her tunic aside so he could suck on her shoulder. He tugged the tunic down her body, until she stood before him in only her wrappings.

He took a step back then, surveying her.

“Take them off,” he said hoarsely. When she didn’t answer, he became more insistent. “Take them off for me. I want to see you properly.”

Rey hesitated for only a moment before she unwound her wrappings, taking her time. She could sense his impatience, but she removed the last of her layers at her own pace, finally kicking off her shoes. The last of her bands fell to the cave floor and then she was as naked as when he had seen her through the Force.

His eyes greedily raked over her now, his hesitance by the lake long gone. He tugged her against him again, his hand moving up her side until it came to her breast.

“Take out your hair,” he ordered.

She did. It fell down her shoulders.

She discovered she was testing him. He must have been a bit suspicious, the way she was so readily following his directions. But she had read his desires and had seen the conflict of his younger self. He wasn’t sure then what he would do with her if given the chance. He had debated whether to fuck her hard or take her gently.

She wanted to see which part of him he would be. 

When he grabbed her shoulder and turned her around, her entire body stiffened, and her heart sank. She heard the buckle of his belt come undone and she squeezed her eyes shut, wondering if she had horribly misjudged him. Her fingers dug into the stone in front of her as she felt him come up behind her. She tensed, waiting for him.

She could feel his hesitance then, the conflict inside of him churning. The contact of his hand on the back of her shoulder burned her skin. He was silent, and she wondered what he was thinking, but she didn’t dare reach out through their connection.

And then he stepped away.

“Get dressed,” he said gruffly, and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She collected her clothing and clutched it to her body, watching as he sat at the far end of the cave. His head lolled back against the rock and his eyes were closed, his breathing heavy. He was frustrated. Even now, he was utterly lost in what to do. Both sides of him were fighting the other.

They slept on opposite sides of the cave that night, and Kylo didn’t come over to her, even when her body became racked with shivers.

 

\---

 

Rey didn’t glance up when he returned to the cave the next day with breakfast. She was too involved with studying the pieces of her saber. The temporary staff she had been using had snapped, so she was currently weaponless. Obviously she couldn’t stay this way, so she decided to familiarize herself with all the components of the saber. That way, when she actually found a kyber crystal, she would know what to do.

She twisted the pieces together roughly, frowning when they weren’t fitting. She tried jamming them together a few more times, almost giving up in her frustration, when Kylo bent down and placed his hands over hers.

Rey jolted, not expecting him to initiate contact so soon after yesterday. She noticed he was carefully avoiding her eye contact as he adjusted the pieces accordingly. His hands were so delicate, far different from how he had touched her the day before. Rey wondered if he was showing her more than just how to align her saber.

The pieces clicked together but didn’t hold, due to its damage. Rey held both ends together with each hand, marveling at how it looked. She imagined igniting it, swinging it around as she practiced her poses. She knew that wouldn’t happen, not yet, but she was glad she was making baby steps.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, and he nodded, before exiting the cave.

They had forgotten to collect tinder for that evening, and by the time it rained Rey knew there was no point. Everything would be soaked.

She rubbed her hands up and down her arms and even tried jogging in place to keep warm. If Kylo thought anything about her ridiculous movements, he kept his thoughts to himself.

When it was time for them to sleep, they laid on opposite ends of the cave as they normally did. Rey tried to succumb to slumber for a solid two hours until she gave up, her chattering teeth making it impossible to relax.

She stood then and moved over to Kylo, whose back was turned to her. She got down beside him and crossed her arms in front of her chest before she wriggled up to his backside. She felt him stiffen, but honestly she was beyond modesty at this point. She lay there for several minutes until gradually he turned around and pulled her to his chest. His arms wrapped around her body, and he placed his chin over the top of her head.

Neither of them said anything, and Rey couldn’t help but notice that the sound of his heartbeat had drowned out the rain outside.

For the next several nights they did this, even when the temperature was warm enough that it wasn’t warranted. Not once did he try to take advantage of their proximity. He was always hard against her in the morning, but when he awakened he made sure to shift away from her. Rey was beginning to wonder if she should be offended or not.

A week passed, and Rey was becoming antsy. She wanted to talk to Kylo about the entries more; she wanted to learn more about what his life had been like back then.

But she was also curious about more primal things. Her stomach turned pleasantly as she thought about him touching her like she had imagined.

It was embarrassing, to be so needy. She blamed it on the isolation. She had been trapped with him for over a month now, so it was only natural she should feel this way. She was sure she didn’t look that appealing, given her only real options for showering were in the lake. Then again she knew he was attracted to her; she had written evidence. Perhaps her passivity in submitting to him that night had been shockingly unpleasant to him.

Whatever it was, Rey was growing impatient.

That night when they settled against each other next to the fire, Rey’s hand came up and cupped his jaw. She could feel the stubble under her thumb, and she vaguely wondered what he had been doing to keep his face so clean.

His arms stiffened around her, and she almost removed her hand, finding she was starting to lose her nerve. She lifted her chin to bravely look in his eyes, finding that amidst the confusion and apprehension, he was just as anticipating as she was.

Her lips met his and immediately he tried to cover her, pressing down on her eagerly. She realized then how contained he must have been these last few days, to have to restrain himself from doing just this. She pushed against his chest, and he removed himself at once, hovering over her.

“What-” he panted.

“Just…let me try something, alright?”

His eyes searched hers for a moment, narrowing in confusion before he dropped to the side again. She moved closer to him and cupped his jaw again, leaning down to kiss him softly.

She could tell he was holding back and letting her take control for her benefit, which was promising. She tentatively dipped her tongue into his mouth as their lips moved, and a shot of pleasure traveled down her stomach when he groaned. He gripped the back of her head firmly, but didn’t force her head up this time as she continued to slide her tongue against his.

Kissing, she discovered, was odd…but not bad.

Feeling bolder, Rey hooked a leg over his hip, feeling his hardness press against her most sensitive areas. She gasped as he very intentionally ground his body into hers, his bare hands coming to slip inside her tunic.

She gasped quietly as he squeezed her breast, his fingers digging under her bands to run over her bare body. She shrugged off her outer tunic and tugged her bands until they fell loosely around her. She gasped loudly as he took one of her nipples between his thumb and forefinger and pinched.

Then his mouth was on her, sucking fiercely, and Rey knew his restraint was starting to give. It didn’t matter to her anymore; the further they went the more she wanted him.

Her hands slid under his shirt, tugging it upwards. He broke off from her briefly to remove it before he settled over her again, sucking hungrily at her neck. He swore quietly in her ear when the tip of his finger dipped into her, and she gripped his shoulders.

His finger slipped fully inside her, and he inhaled sharply. “You’re so tight,” he breathed in her ear.

The comment was meaningless to her, but she assumed it was a compliment given the context. He moved in and out of her, and she winced a bit in discomfort. He paused, removing his hand entirely.

“Show me how you touch yourself,” he said, low and commanding.

Rey’s cheeks reddened. Was he asking her to…?

He was staring at her expectantly, so her hand came over her clit, rubbing in small circles. She closed her eyes, discovering his gaze was far too intense for her to maintain. The familiar tingling between her legs returned in full force, and her lips parted.

She felt his lips by the rim of her ear. “I know you’ve thought about me when you do this. I’ve felt it.” Rey moaned softly, the humming of his voice spurring her to move her fingers faster. “I know you want me inside you. You want me to make you come, don’t you Rey?”

She was so close. Stars, she was so wet.

He inserted his fingers inside her again, curling them upwards. Her fingers moved in frantic circles, her hips grinding into his hand.

“Say my name,” he commanded. “Say it how you said it in the throne room.”

“ _Ben,_ ” she whispered, and then she came. Hard. She clenched around his fingers over and over again until she lay there, staring at the stalagmites up above.

When she summoned the nerve to look at him again, his eyes were dark, half-lidded.

There was no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted try a bit of a darker Kylo here. He’s still conflicted about just taking what he wants, so that’s why the consent was a bit dubious at the start of this chapter. 
> 
> As always, thanks for the feedback!


	11. Chapter 11

            He didn’t touch her more that night, which both stunned and somewhat relieved Rey. Despite the intensity of their connection, she was well aware of her own inexperience, and she wasn’t exactly confident in her abilities to properly return the favor.

Poe had sat down with her once, two or three weeks after they had met, and explained _some_ of the details to her. She had been astonished he knew so much, but the pilot had only shrugged and winked at her.

Rey didn’t think she could ever be as smooth as him.

As she stalked through the forest, looking for their next meal, Rey vaguely wondered how Kylo knew so much about the female body. She didn’t particularly care to know his sexual history, but nonetheless the question stuck in her mind. It made her feel even more insecure about her lack of knowledge.

She returned to their shelter with not one, but _two_ catches. Kylo was nowhere to be found, but Rey figured he was out doing some exploring of his own. She set her catches outside the cave and went over to the falls to drink some water. Once she had had her fill she felt the familiar tingling of their bond, but this time she welcomed it, rather than endured it.

The connection didn’t manifest as it usually did; this time it came in flashes. Rey saw his gloved hand gripping the bark of a tree, saw his shoulders moving. His forehead was lined with a thin sheen of sweat, and his breathing was uneven. She was still trying to piece together what he was doing when suddenly he straightened and angled his head to look at her.

“Do you mind?” he said gruffly, and Rey nearly fell over as the realization hit her.

She tore herself from his mind, wincing at the sudden break in their connection. She clutched her head in horror, not believing she had been witnessed such a…such a… _private_ act.

Well, that made things even she supposed.

When he came back later that evening, he didn’t seem bothered in the slightest, and if _he_ wasn’t going to mention what happened, Rey certainly wasn’t.

She prepared the kindling, and Kylo leant over her to light the fire. He smelled like sweat and smoke. Rey raised her hand to wipe her own sweaty forehead. She didn’t know what it was about this planet, but she wished it would just pick a temperature.

They ate quietly, Rey ignoring the looks of disdain he gave her as she slurped the meat from the animal’s bones. Once she had licked her fingers clean, she leaned back against the cave wall, watching idly as Kylo rearranged the bones in a neat pile.

A thought suddenly popped into her mind.

“We should spar,” she suggested, and Kylo raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t have a saber,” he reminded her.

“Don’t use yours then.” When he didn’t respond she sat up straight. “It could be good for both of us. Besides,” she added, a bit mischievously, “don’t act like you haven’t wanted to get even.” She leaned forward and ran her thumb over his face, so it treaded lightly down his scar.

His lips twitched, and Rey could tell he was fighting down a smirk. “If it’ll help you,” he said at last, and she rolled her eyes.

 

\---

Kylo looked at her skeptically when she brought over two large sticks, each about six feet in length.

“What?” Rey asked, throwing him one of the sticks. He caught it easily. “You’ve never fought with a staff before?”

“I’ve never fought with something so _primitive_ before.”

She scrunched up her nose. “Do you see an armory around here?” She turned away and put some distance between them. The sun was already blistering, and she wasn’t sure how Kylo could stand wearing that thick, shirt. She swiveled to face him, holding her weapon, and after a dramatic sigh he mirrored her position.

And then they met.

Rey had to admit it was easier fighting him when they both had their sabers. She was able to draw on the Force more easily then, but here their attacks relied mostly on strength and speed. And Kylo was much stronger than her.

But he was also overly aggressive. He put all of his power behind each maneuver, which would sometimes off-balance him if she dodged to the side. She was able to land a tight blow to his torso during one such occasion.

They were covered in sweat within minutes. The sun was particularly unforgiving today, and Kylo took a few steps back to wipe his face with his shirt. Rey paused in her attack, giving him time to recuperate. Her eyes briefly flickered down to the exposed skin of his stomach, glistening with perspiration.

When he was prepared again she ran forward, and their weapons met with a clash. They made contact a few more times, and Rey noticed that Kylo was having trouble keeping his footing on the sands of their sparring area. She was so used to walking on Jakku’s landscape that fighting on such shifting terrain was second nature to her. When Kylo stumbled as he blocked another attack, Rey saw her opportunity.

She hooked the front of her foot behind his calf and used all of her strength to offset him. He lurched to the side, and she swung her stick around to connect with the front of his ribcage. He let out a grunt and fell on his back, sand sticking to his neck and clothes. Rey came up to him and held her stick over his body, angling one end down at his throat. After a pause Kylo tossed his stick to the ground, yielding.

Rey began to lower her own weapon, but at the last moment, Kylo grabbed her leg and dragged her down. She let out a gasp of surprise, preparing to give him another whack with her stick, but he clutched it with one hand and wrenched it out of her grasp.

He kissed her, hot and insistent. His tongue slipped inside her mouth almost immediately, and it only took Rey a moment to register what was happening before she reciprocated the gesture. Her fingers came up to run through his damp hair, but after a few seconds his hands wrapped themselves around her forearms and pressed them into the sand above her head.

He was sucking at her jaw, grinding her through their clothing, and Rey’s head swiveled to the side as he attacked her in an entirely different way. When his grip loosened on her arms, she slipped them out from underneath his hands to run under his shirt. He detached himself from her for only a moment, so he could remove the article.

Kylo tugged her hair free, and it swung in the breeze for a moment before some of it became plastered to her neck. Rey thought they must look quite a sight. Sweaty, ruffled clothing, and covered from head to toe in sand. Oh, the sand. It was coarse, rough, irritating, and it got everywhere, but she found she didn’t mind that much.

As their lips met again, Kylo took one of Rey’s hands and placed it deliberately against the outline of his cock. Rey stilled against him, and Kylo pulled back, watching her carefully.

The images from yesterday poured into her mind, and she bit her lip. She began to rub him experimentally through his pants, and she saw his jaw tighten. Rey swallowed before she shifted her hand inside of his pants, inhaling sharply as her fingers came in contact with him.

She had never touched one before. _Obviously._

“How…how do I…?” she blushed a bright red, finding she couldn’t say the words with him watching at her like that.

“Spit into your hand.”

She stared blankly at him, sure that he was joking. Then again, Kylo Ren didn’t really joke, now did he?

Rey released her hold on him so she could spit into her palm, her saliva running down her skin in what she was sure had to be an unappealing way. All thoughts of the mess in her hand died, however, when Kylo dipped his thumbs into his pants and dragged the clothing down a bit, giving her the full sight of him. She didn’t have a good chance to study him for long though, for he leaned over and opened her tunic until the top half of her was exposed.

When he began to lick at her breasts and neck, Rey took this as her cue to continue. She hesitantly reached down to wrap her fingers around his cock, slowly sliding up and down. She picked up the pace after a few strokes, recalling that when she had seen him through the bond he had been moving rather quickly. Her hand squeezed him tighter, and when he groaned into her neck, Rey assumed she was doing something right.

As he came closer, he started muttering downright _filthy_ things into her ear. Rey didn’t know half of what he was saying, but she found he liked it when she answered in the affirmative, and then followed with his birth name.

She heard him mutter her name once, and then he came suddenly, the warm liquid hitting the skin of her stomach. Rey jolted at the sensation, staring down in shock.

Kylo rolled off her at once, tugging up his pants. He didn’t seem bothered that his entire back was now coated in sand.

Rey sat up slowly, wincing a bit as the liquid dripped down her stomach. She caught him watching her again, and her cheeks flamed again.

“I’m going to wash myself,” she murmured awkwardly, standing up and removing the rest of her clothing. Kylo watched her from the sand, his hands behind his head as he shamelessly roamed his eyes over her body.

Rey was suddenly hyperaware of how sweaty and dirty she was. She was standing in broad daylight, so it wasn’t like she could use the poor lighting of the cave for cover. She pointedly kept her gaze straight ahead as she bounded into the lake, diving headfirst until she was completely submerged.

She rose a few seconds later, running her hands up her face and over her hair. She chanced a glance at the shore, and sure enough he was sitting up, still shirtless. He had a strange look on his face, and Rey tapped into their bond.

_Are you okay?_

_Fine._

Rey ran her fingers through her hair, bobbing shoulder deep in the water. She wondered in the back of her mind if she had done something wrong. And because she was so inexperienced, she had no way of knowing.

_Aren’t you going to clean yourself?_ Rey didn’t even realize what that would imply until after the phrase was out in the open.

She saw his lips twitch, as he interpreted her spike of discomfort. _I’m fine here._

_Oh._

_I like watching you._

_You mean sweaty and covered in rubbish? Or like I am now?_

_Both. It’s sexy._

Rey gaped at him, and Kylo let out a short laugh at her astonished expression before composing himself. Rey ducked under the water again, giving herself a few moments to recover because she couldn’t believe anyone would find her sexy, and she _definitely_ couldn’t believe the Supreme Leader of the First Order had just _laughed._

 

\---

 

“You’ll need a new crystal,” Kylo said much later, when they had returned to their cave.

Rey sat by the edge of the pool, her legs submerged up to her knees as she tampered with her broken saber for what felt like the thousandth time. She watched as he gathered water from the flowing falls into his hands before splashing it on his face. The rivulets dripped down the column of his throat in a rather delicious manner, but Rey had her priorities at the moment.

“I’ve figured that much out for myself,” she said, peering into one of the ends.

“You won’t find any here.”

Rey nodded. This didn’t surprise her. The likelihood of this planet hosting kyber crystals was already a long shot, but even if they had, she would have been able to sense them to some degree. She just knew it.

“Maybe we should consider moving,” she suggested, and Kylo frowned.

“Why would we do that,” he inquired, “when we have everything we need right here?”

Rey shrugged. “It was just a thought. What if we find something useful? You want to leave this planet, don’t you?” He didn’t answer right away. “Don’t you?” she prodded.

“Of course,” he snapped without any real malice.

Rey sighed, moving out of the water and sitting by the entrance of the cave. Kylo eventually came to sit next to her.

“Can I ask you something?” Kylo was silent, so Rey pushed forward. “Why did you decide to write at all?”

“I don’t know,” he grumbled.

“Yes you do.”

Kylo was quiet for a long time; so long that Rey had accepted she probably wasn’t going to get an answer. Just when she was considering retreating into the cave and calling it a night, he cleared his throat softly.

“It made sense at the time,” he murmured. “It…made it feel like Snoke wasn’t the only one listening.”

Rey’s heart pounded in her chest as she thought of herself in these visions. “And the girl…”

Kylo turned his head, meeting her eyes. “In the end I found out her name.” Rey opened her mouth to ask another question but he clarified with, “her _real_ name.”

The blood was roaring in her ears now, making it hard to focus on what he was saying. “What…?”

“Would you like to know your real name, Rey?”

All her life she had wanted answers. She had almost gone to the Dark to get them. When she found some of them, it was worse than she had imagined. Her greatest fear had come true in that throne room. She was insignificant after all.

Even so, she still wanted to know more.

But suddenly, the thought of having another piece to the puzzle made her dizzy. She began to wonder if ignorance was sometimes best, seeing as no matter what the answers were, it wouldn’t change her past. In the end, she would always be that dirty scavenger, living in the AT-AT on a nowhere planet.

She stared down at their hands, not even realizing they had become entwined during the conversation.

“Not tonight,” she decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn’t resist making a sand joke. I’m not sorry.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for such wonderful feedback!

             Rey examined her reflection in the water of a running stream. Her hands skimmed over her neck, studying the dark love bites that peppered her skin. When she first discovered she had them, she was shocked. It hadn’t been painful when he was giving them to her, quite the opposite actually.

She stood up and continued moving through the forest, adjusting her grip on her bag. She carried it with her now in case she found anything useful on her trek, rather than because of her obsessive need to keep it away from Kylo.

She wanted to ask him more about his writing, but she also knew it was difficult for him to talk about his past life. The promise of learning her birth name kept eating at her mind, but she knew she wasn’t emotionally ready to learn it. It hadn’t been that long ago since she had found out about her parents, and to be honest she was still processing that.

Rey wandered further than she ever had before. Kylo might not have seen a use in exploring beyond what he already had, but Rey was a scavenger. If there was any chance that she could find something that would help them, she was bound to take a look.

Her foot crunched into something on the ground, and she yelled in pain. After hopping around for a solid two minutes, she squinted at the ground, now only realizing how dark it had gotten. She crouched onto her hands and knees to look at the object. It was made of metal.

It was a piece of a craft.

Rey blinked in shock. Another ship had been here, or crashed here, anyway. If she kept going she might be able to find more pieces or a transmission system or-

But not tonight. It was already late and without the light of her saber it was nearly impossible to see what she was doing. Besides, she hadn’t exactly told Kylo she had left for the day. It wasn’t her fault; he had been gone when she had woken up.

With a sigh, Rey stood again, realizing she would have to come back another time. At least she had made some sort of discovery. As she stumbled through the darkness she made certain to keep track of where she was going. A particular tree, a rock, a stream, a crack in the earth, all made sure she was on the right path.

Rey tried to bridge her connection with Kylo, but the bond was being particularly slippery today. It reminded her that despite the power of their connection, neither one of them fully had a grasp on it.

It was late, very late, when Rey returned to their alcove. She could see the gentle light of the fire from inside the cave, and she smiled. So he had gotten the kindling to work by himself, had he?

No sooner had she stepped into the shelter, however, did her warm thoughts dissipate as she was swamped with his irritation and anger. He stood up at once when he saw her, the flickering lights making his face look ominous.

“Where have you been?” he spat, and Rey almost flinched at his tone. Almost.

She dropped her bag. “I told you before, I thought we should look around more thoroughly. You didn’t want to, so I-”

“Took it upon yourself to blunder through an alien planet without a weapon?”

“My staff broke days ago. I haven’t been able to make another one-”

“And yet you still thought it was a brilliant idea to go off alone. Is your memory so short that you’ve forgotten that creature-?”

“Of course not,” Rey snapped back. How could she forget the sight of his blank stare as he lay helpless on the forest floor? It made her sick to think about it. “If you were so concerned for my safety, you should offer up your saber every once in a while,” she added bitterly. “It’s the least you can do, all things considering.”

“I bet that’s what you want,” His voice had changed, and Rey’s anger deflated as she began to realize why. “Take my saber and then be off the next morning.”

Her suspicions were confirmed. “You think I’d leave? Even now?” She was furious with herself that there was so much hurt in her voice, but she couldn’t hide it from him. That’s what he had been worried about all day. That she wouldn’t come back. That she would _choose_ not to come back.

Kylo didn’t respond, but his gaze dropped, and Rey had her answer. She had the sudden urge to smack him for his ignorance, and she moved forward with the full intent to do that.

Instead she wove her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. His entire body became stiff as stone, and it was only when Rey squeezed him harder with her arms did his own settle around her. The gesture was one that had become familiar to her due to her friends. She would hug Finn the most, obviously, but Rose was a close second. Granted the shorter girl was usually the initiator, but Rey didn’t mind. She had hugged Poe a couple of times, but those hugs were always brief and usually followed with a pat on the back. Leia had given nice hugs; they were the rarest of all, but they soothed Rey when she felt like the weight of the galaxy would crush her.

This was something different altogether.

It meant something else. Something, Rey thought as she remembered Kylo’s words, bigger than the war. It meant two people set on paths to always be sworn enemies could still end up here. It meant that Rey would stay because she hadn’t given up on the boy in those pages.

She tried to convey all of this in one hug. It was then, however, that she felt the tingling in the back of her mind, and she pushed through the fogginess to connect their bond.

She felt his shoulder rise beneath her in a sharp inhale as he registered what she was thinking and feeling. Suddenly, he was the one burying his face in her shoulder.

The skin on her neck became wet, but Rey would never mention it.

 

\---

 

Sweat ran rampant down Rey’s back. She wiped at it with her bare hand, wincing at the uncomfortable feeling. It had become extraordinarily hot during the days, too hot for Rey to attempt the trek back to where she had ventured without a source of water at the ready.

The evenings weren’t any better. As soon as they were done cooking their meal, they would stamp out the fire before the cave could heat up any more. The past few nights Kylo had slept without a shirt and Rey in only her bands. While she enjoyed when they were curled together as they slept, there had been a silent agreement between them that it was simply too hot for such arrangements.

When Rey had to reach around again to wipe at her back, she concluded the temperature just wasn’t going to drop any more that evening. She didn’t understand it; even on Jakku it had cooled significantly when the sun went down, but here she could swear there wasn’t a difference.

“I’m going down to the lake,” she announced, rising from her place by the pool.

Kylo looked on from where he sat, his hair a ragged, damp mess. Rey went to reach for her bag, but paused, ultimately deciding it was unnecessary to bring it. Her eyes shifted to Kylo who was lazily using the Force to chuck the discarded bones from their meal into the woods.

Rey picked at a scab on her knuckle. “Would you…want to come?”

Kylo halted his task and met her eyes, his face unreadable. She found she preferred it when his expressions were an open book. She let the implication of her question sink in, doing well to maintain eye contact this time.

His lips twitched. “Would you like that?” His eyes fell down her body, taking in her scantily clad form.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” she said, well aware he was doing this to make her squirm.

“Alright,” he responded, rising. “If it pleases you.”

Rey spluttered and then abruptly turned on her heel, marching toward the lake. She didn’t bother waiting for him; he could very well catch up at his own pace.

As soon as the lake water touched her toes, she sighed in relief. Unlike the pool, the lake was large enough where the body of water didn’t heat up as quickly, so it was at least refreshing. She turned when she heard Kylo enter the clearing. The bottom layers of his hair were plastered where his neck met his shoulder. Rey blinked, finding it odd that there was a universe in which she was getting used to him standing shirtless before her.

Rey knew she probably looked as sweaty as she felt, so she sloshed through the water ungracefully, diving in when she was deep enough. She emerged to find Kylo standing by the shore, still clothed from the bottom down. It occurred to her that as much as she had seen of him, he had managed to keep his shoes on for it all.

Alright, it’s not like Rey had some bizarre foot fetish, but she had to admit she wondered if his feet were as big and broad as his hands and also, sod off.

She didn’t expect him to join her, really. Kylo Ren didn’t seem like the type to go for a dip just for fun, but she enjoyed his company. She dove again under the water, shaking out her hair and then reemerging several seconds later.

He was gone.

What the-

She let out a sharp yell as something coiled around her calf and dragged her under. She knew it was him, but she was rather cross with him for surprising her, so she kicked him in the side and then broke the surface gasping. Just as he was emerging for air she ducked down again, swimming underwater. She made sure not to tread over her head, for she didn’t trust her swimming abilities to keep her entirely afloat. She had grown up on a desert planet, after all.

Rey smirked beneath the surface as she swam, imagining how confused he must be at her disappearance. She came up in between a cluster of rocks, her tiptoes finding a place to stand as she peeked behind the rock. Huh. She could have sworn he would have been over there.

“You’re not exactly subtle.”

Rey started, jerking her hand up and smacking it painfully against one of the rocks. She glowered at him as she cradled her hand. “How did you find me?”

“Simple. I followed your haughtiness through the Force.”

Rey rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth turned up. “I didn’t think you would come in.”

“I smelled,” he told her.

“You still do.”

He seemed unimpressed by the barb, and Stars, was this considered  _flirting?_

“Yes,” he answered out loud, and she flushed a deep red.

Rey glanced into the water and kicked out her foot experimentally. It came into contact with his, and she met his eyes with raised eyebrows.

“What?” he asked.

She shrugged. “I just always imagined you bathing in your shoes.” It was meant to be a tease at his expense but-

“You imagine me bathing?”

Damn. Today was just not her day.

Thankfully, Kylo wasn’t _too_ smug, at least not anymore than he normally was. Her embarrassment soon faded when he reached out to run over the love bites he had left there.

“Speaking of lacking subtly,” she said, but arched into the touch. She could feel the clothing of his underclothing gliding against her thigh underwater, and she was surprised by how disappointed she was that he was wearing anything at all.

Rey regained her footing against the slimy rock beneath her, shifting with the current so she drifted towards him. She hesitantly brought her arms up to loop around his shoulders, and he watched her as her eyes flickered down to his lips.

She dipped her head then, connecting her mouth with his, and his hold on the side of her neck tightened. Her mind quickly became hazy as his tongue slid against hers, one arm encircling her waist.

They had never kissed this carefully before, but Rey wasn’t really one to analyze emotions when she had more practical things to do. She angled her head to deepen the kiss, becoming pleased when he made a noise in the back of his throat. He tugged on her bottom lip with his teeth, and she melted into him. He began licking at her jaw, his hand running over her inner thigh. When he rubbed over her bands where he knew her clit was; she let out a small _“Oh.”_

“Rey,” he murmured, and suddenly she was tugging his hand, leading him towards the shore.

They had barely made it onto land when she was dragging his body over hers, her back hitting his discarded pants over the sand. His hands were instantly under her breast bands, squeezing her breasts before she lifted her back to unwind them. He rolled off her bottoms, and in a matter of moments she was bare before him.

His mouth sucked on her breasts, his teeth clenching lightly around her nipple. Her toes came up to tug on the band of his boxers, and it was slightly more difficult than she had imagined, given they were both soaking wet.

Kylo took pity on her and straightened so he could remove the last article of his clothing. When his cock sprung free, Rey’s eyes raked over him. It was difficult, given that it was dark, but she could make out the paleness of his lower stomach, the dark thatch of his hair.

And then he was over her again, and his fingers were inside her, and she was gasping against his mouth as he muttered her name. Her hips were moving with his hand as his thumb circled her clit, the pressure low in her stomach building.

His hand stilled suddenly, and he moved his mouth from hers to her ear. “I want you,” he told her plainly, honestly, his breath tickling her ear.

Rey stared at his shoulder, the pinks and purples and blues from the night lighting dappling his skin. Her hand was against his chest, and she could feel his heart pounding erratically.

“Then take me.”

It wasn’t gentle, but Rey didn’t expect it to be. There was a prick of pain, a pause on his part, and then he was moving and she was moving with him. She bit his shoulder, swallowing the discomfort until she fully adjusted to his pace. He attacked her mouth furiously, his desire for her pushing through their bond, and she felt it as if it were her own.

She was just beginning to feel something shifting inside her, something pleasant and beating, when he shuddered, and she was filled with something hot and sticky. He slipped out of her quickly, and she was left, warm and aching and a bit confused. She opened her mouth to ask him what was wrong, but the question died on her lips as he buried his face between her legs.

Out of everything they had done so far, this Rey decided, was her favorite. His mouth was hot and slippery against her clit, and the way he swept it back and forth made her legs shake. Her hands snuck into his hair as she moaned, mildly surprised at some of the noises she made. He sucked on her fiercely, desperately, and her back arched off the ground as she climbed higher.

_“Oh, oh Ben.”_

He groaned when she said his name licking her faster and harder until she was coming, her fingers tugging at his hair as she rode wave after wave. When she lay there, looking up at the stars, he settled himself over her again, tasting her ear lobe and whispering the most wonderful things in her ear.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I went for a different tone during their little sessions, but I promise we'll get something a bit more romantic in later chapters ;)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep your eyes peeled for the official summary of "The Middle Woman." I will start posting this story a few weeks after this one is complete (so I have time to make daily updates!) I'm excited to explore a post-war fic with these characters.

            His hand traveled the length of her calf before it curled around her ankle, steadying her in his grip. His hands were almost always bare these days. A chill traveled up Rey’s spine from the contact, but she kept her face neutral as he lightly tapped her foot with his other hand, a silent indicator that she should widen her feet. Rey’s hands gripped the hard ground, her face bright red from the blood rush. She had never held a handstand this long before, because well, why would she ever need to?

“You need to relax,” he was telling her, and wasn’t that a bit hypocritical. “You’ll never be able to support yourself otherwise. You have to trust in the Force.” It had been his idea to teach her to balance, literally balance, using her abilities. Rey had been very reluctant to learn from him, but she decided to appease him this one time. She was quickly regretting that decision.

“Logically, I need to _tense_ my muscles to support myself,” she hissed, her arms starting to shake.

“I can help you with that later.”

Rey choked on her own spit, and just like that her arms gave out. She landed in a crumpled heap in the dirt, raising a small, brown cloud of dust. She glared up at Kylo, expecting him to be smirking, but he was regarding her seriously with crossed arms.

“You’re too distracted,” he stated. “If you keep thinking about logic you’ll find it very difficult to tap into the Force. Stop overanalyzing everything.”

“I think I’m starting to like the ambiguity of the Jedi texts more and more,” Rey grumbled and Kylo rolled his eyes. He offered her a hand, but Rey rose on her own, dusting off her clothes. “Alright, alright. Let’s give it another go.”

 

\---

 

Later, when the temperature began to cool and his lips ran over her bare back, Rey stared into their fire, mulling something in her mind.

“Tell me about the other students,” she said suddenly, and his lips paused at her shoulder blades. “From the academy.”

He huffed, shifting his weight so he gently lay atop her. “Why do you want to know that?” He moved her hair to the side, so he could suck on her ear.

“I want to know more about you,” she responded, as if it were obvious. She shivered as his tongue licked the shell of her ear. “About Ben Solo.”

“You’ve read those damn books, haven’t you?” he muttered, his hand skimming over her rear. “You know everything.”

“That’s not _everything,_ Ben.”

Kylo sighed, and Rey figured he realized she wasn’t going to let this go. He rolled over so he lay on his back, the flames making his chest light up in oranges.

“They were star struck fools,” he said finally, staring up at the stalagmites. “More obsessed with Skywalker than anything else. I was a disappointment to them.” His tone had become bitter. “I don’t want to speak about this anymore.”

Rey wondered if this was because he hated them, or if it was because they had met their end at his hand. She didn’t think it was a good idea to ask.

“What do you want to talk about?” she questioned instead, and he looked at her.

“Did you know it was about you? In the books?”

Rey shook her head. “I should have, but…I tend to not accept the truth when it’s right in front of me.” She gazed down at her hands, remembering her parents.

“You shouldn’t waste time thinking about them.”

Rey blinked at him, offended. “How can I not? I’ve thought about them every day for my entire life! I can’t just…let that die.”

He took her hand in his, kissing each fingertip. “You could have a different family.”

“I know, you’ve said-” she paused, frowning. “What are you implying?”

Kylo sat up. “I’m not implying anything.” But he frowned too, as if something had just occurred to him. “We didn’t use-”

“I have an implant,” she cut him off before he could finish his thought. She gave him an unamused look. “Even if I didn’t don’t you think it’s a little late to ask?”

Kylo grumbled something, and Rey shook her head, knowing he didn’t like to admit it when she was right. She winced as she shifted her legs; she was still a little sore from the first time he had entered her. She saw his face mirror her expression, and Rey realized he must have felt it through their connection. He squeezed her hand and looked at her apologetically, but Rey was beyond caring at this point. Sure, the first time hadn’t been wonderful, but the second and the third…

“Are you still going tomorrow?” he inquired, and Rey nodded, forgetting she had planned to journey back to the spot with the broken craft piece. Kylo’s eyebrows furrowed in the way that Rey knew meant he was debating something. “Take my saber with you,” he said finally, and her eyes widened.

“Ben, you don’t have to-”

“Just take it before I change my mind,” he murmured, pulling her in for a kiss, so she couldn’t argue anymore.

 

\---

 

 Rey’s hand went to the saber on her belt as she walked miles from their shelter. She continually brushed over it, just to make sure it was really there.

She had been itching to come back to this place for days, for she knew there was something of use lying in wait. She could feel it. She made sure to start early in the morning, so she could be back well before the sun went down. Rey smiled in memory as she kissed Kylo on his scar before she had left. He had emitted a graceless snore in response.

After a couple of hours Rey began to recognize the surroundings, which indicated she was close. She came upon the metal piece she had banged her foot against the other day, and now that it was broad daylight, she could examine it more closely.

She couldn’t tell what part of the ship it was from, but judging by the deadened paint and rusted siding it was probably ancient. Rey moved forward, trying to find more pieces, or better yet, an intact craft. What she eventually found was something in the middle.

She knew she had stumbled upon something when dozens of trees randomly spread in one direction, their trucks rotted and their roots cleanly torn from the ground. She hopped over the decaying bark, gathering small pieced of scrap metal here and there.

When she came upon the ship she knew instantly it wasn’t flyable. Both of the wings were missing, and the body of the shuttle was rusted beyond belief. Rey tried to quell the overwhelming disappointment that bloomed in her chest. Oh well, she might as well scavenge for spare parts.

She broke open the door with the Force, knowing the metal barrier was rusted shut. The craft was much larger than her X-wing or Kylo’s silencer, so she took her time roaming around the interior. She passed by a skeleton, the bones bleached from time. Whoever had been here had not been alive for quite a while.

Rey stalled at the control panel, her heartbeat picking up again. She switched on a few buttons and waited, wondering if the transmission system would work. She gasped when the machinery buzzed to life, and then promptly died.

Believe it or not, this was actually a promising sign.

Rey knelt down and opened up the latch, which revealed the wiring. She gave it a good study. Some of the parts had definitely become rattled in the crash, but it wasn’t unsalvageable. Rey didn’t know much about building transmission systems, but she knew enough about wiring to know this was definitely repairable. She just needed a week.

Her pulse picked up at the thought of seeing Finn again, wrapping her arms around him, laughing with him, talking over mechanics with Rose, quipping with Poe, squeezing Leia’s hand. She could go home.

So why did she feel so sick all of a sudden? She knew it was the right thing to go to them, but then…should she tell Kylo? Would he want to come with her?

She wouldn’t leave him. Not ever. But somehow she doubted convincing him to turn himself over to the Resistance was going to be an easy task. Then again, maybe he would prefer it if it meant leaving this planet. If she were braver, she would ask.

She just needed a little more time. Besides, the system wasn’t even working anyway. Might as well make sure she could actually make the repairs before starting an argument for nothing.

Rey worked on the panel for a solid four hours, for as long as the sun would let her. By the time it was dusk she was slightly relieved, for her fingers were blistering, and she was covered in rust and grease. As she began the trek back to the shelter, she felt accomplished, despite the moral uncertainty swirling in her mind.

Fortunately Kylo didn’t bother to ask if she found anything, so she was saved the task of having to lie to him. She found him outside the shelter, skinning the carcass of some animal with a sharpened rock. He looked up when he saw her, the corners of his mouth twitching into an almost smile. She returned his saber to him, their fingers brushing lightly during the exchange.

They ate dinner in comfortable silence, Kylo occasionally smirking at her when she made a particularly loud slurp in her meal. Before he had been disgusted with her manners, but now it was like he found them endearing. Not that Rey ever expected him to admit to it. The way they interacted now was practically effortless, and in these small moments it even reminded Rey of her companionship with Finn or Poe.

She frowned in thought as she licked her fingers. The memory she had seen of Poe’s bloody face was a shocking one, especially since Poe had never mentioned it. She knew Finn had helped the pilot escape the First Order, that was how they had met after all, but she had never thought to ask for details.

“Why are you thinking about Dameron?” Kylo asked, his expression sour.

“I saw him in your memories,” she reminded him. “When I was healing you.”

He was silent.

“I didn’t realize you interrogated him,” she said, a bit awkwardly, and then paused.

She understood Kylo’s disdain for Finn. He had defected, and was probably still considered a traitor in Kylo’s eyes, despite his own uprising against his former master.

But Poe…She could tell he genuinely hated Poe, and not just because they were on different sides of the war. She recalled his bitterness when he had seen her dancing with Poe in her memories, his hands on her waist. There was something else there…

“Did…you two know each other?” she asked quietly. In the memory, during Poe’s interrogation, Kylo had been wearing a mask. It hadn’t exactly been common knowledge back then that Kylo Ren was the son of Senator Organa and Han Solo, but after Crait…it had kind of been hard to hide.

Kylo stared at her, his face hardening from some distant memory. “His parents were allies of Leia.”

“So you’ve met then, before the war.”

“A handful of times, when we were much younger. He had an arrogance that rivaled Han’s.”

Ah. Now they were getting somewhere. “Is that why you hate him so much?”

“I know what you’re trying to do. Talking about the past isn’t going to change anything.” He stared hard at her, and she knew what he really meant.

_It isn’t going to bring Ben Solo back._

Tears pricked her eyes out of nowhere, and she stood up abruptly before he could see them. Her discovery of the transmitter, and now this, was just too much. She couldn’t lie to herself; she knew she had fallen in love with Ben Solo, probably much longer ago than she cared to admit. Did that make her selfish then? To love one part of him, a part that might not even come back?

“Excuse me,” she muttered, and then exited the cave.

She wandered down to the lake, sitting in the sand and staring at the water. She knew she was supposed to trust in her instincts, believe in the Force and all that, but when it came down to it, she wished someone could just tell her the answers. She scoffed as she wiped at her tears. Ben Solo had had a point in his entries.

For once he didn’t try to reach out to her, and maybe he needed to be alone as much as she did right now. It was easy to pretend there was nothing else to the world when you were stranded. Thinking about the bigger picture was nothing short of agonizing.

In that moment Rey found she really missed Han. It felt wrong to think about him after how close she had come to Kylo, but she did. She could use his optimism right about now.

She could really use anything.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a longer chapter for you. :)

            Every day she worked on the wiring of the transmitter. She would come back late sometimes, later than she would have liked, but Kylo never said anything. He always gave her his saber when she went, and she always returned it.

Things weren’t exactly tense between them, but they weren’t as easy going as they had been. Rey was still sorting out her own emotions, while feeling incredibly guilty for keeping her findings from him.

She wiped a smudge of grease from her nose as she removed herself from the inner workings of the craft. Any day now and she would have the transmitter working, and that meant time was running out. She would have to make her decision soon.

She was walking back to their shelter after a long day of fiddling, when the bond connected them. Rey came to a halt when she saw Kylo, cross-legged, his old Jedi text in his lap and his eyebrows scrunched in thought as he read the pages. Rey had left her bag in the cave that day, finding the weather was too hot to lug it to her worksite.

When Kylo noticed her presence his head snapped up, and he looked like a child who had been caught red-handed. He probably expected her to be furious, but she wasn’t. In fact, she gave him a tentative smile. He seemed incredibly embarrassed however, and he actively avoided her eye contact until the bond disconnected.

Rey wasn’t as naïve as he must have thought. She didn’t care what he said; she knew there was a part of him that was as curious about his past self as she was.

When she stuck her head into the cave an hour later, Kylo had put as much distance between himself and the bag as possible, as if that would erase the image she had seen of him. He looked a bit guilty, but he hid it well. In fact, if anyone should feel truly blameworthy it was Rey.

She sighed. “Ben…I…need to tell you something.” When his eyes darted to her bag fleetingly, she held up her hand. “Not about the texts.”

He regarded her warily. “Then what?”

Rey came over and knelt beside him, she handed him his saber, but he placed it on the ground instead of clipping it to his belt.

“I found something. Another craft. I’ve been working on its transmitter.”

Kylo stilled. “Why are you telling me this?”

Rey blinked, confused. “I…what do you mean?”

He stared at her for a long moment, his face betraying so much emotion, and then none at all. “I’ll contact the Order,” he threatened, but it sounded weak on his lips. Rey knew it was a bluff. He had no allies in the Order. He had practically said it himself. The Hux man he had mentioned was probably glad to be rid of him.

Rey took his hand. “Ben. I want you to come with me. I can speak on your behalf. I can tell the truth of what happened that night in the throne room. It might be enough to-”

“To what?” he said bitterly, removing his hand from her own. “To garner just enough sympathy so I can live the rest of my life as a slave to the New Republic?”

“Would you prefer to spend the rest of your life here to rot?” she asked disbelievingly.

“Yes,” he replied, without hesitation. “If it meant being with you.”

Rey’s heart skipped a beat. “You could still be with me if we left,” she whispered.

He shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

“I do. Poe will see reason,” she said, ignoring the way his lip curled at the name. “ _Leia_ will see reason. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, Rey.” He started to rise, and Rey felt her chest constrict with panic. He was slipping away from her, and she couldn’t lose him. Not like this.

She grabbed his forearm before he could stand, and she came up on her knees so she was level with his face. “Don’t go this way, Ben. Not again. Come with me.” Tears formed in her eyes, and she was so tired of crying, but here she was again, doing it anyway. “I won’t leave you again, but I can’t stay here. We can’t live like this, as…as easy as it would be.” And it really would. She saw that more and more every day, but she could never give up on the Resistance. On her first family.

Her heart dropped as he placed his hand over hers, the one still attached to his forearm. He was starting to tug it away. “Rey-”

“I love you,” she said, and it was true and horrible and wonderful to say out loud. She did. She really did. Even if Ben Solo never came back she would love him. She had seen too much, felt too much. She couldn’t go back to how it was before, with them across the galaxy on opposite sides of a never-ending war.

Kylo looked sick, however, and this time he did tug his forearm away. “Don’t say that,” he said miserably, furiously. He pressed his back to the wall behind him.

Rey wiped at her eyes. “Do you not believe me? Go ahead then. Take what you want. Go inside and see.” She was willingly offering herself up to him, but he just shrank back, shaking his head. “Why not?” she said desperately.

“Don’t say that,” he repeated, his voice low, and she became angry.

“I love you,” she said with absolution. “I love you, and if you can’t deal with that I don’t care because-”

He was crushing her to his body, tangling his fingers in her hair, and she wrapped around him without a moment’s hesitation. Their tongues tangled fiercely, and he was clawing at her tunic and she didn’t care when it ripped a little in the process. His shirt came off next and her mouth was on his neck, his shoulder, his collar. His hands ran up her sides and over her breasts, circling her nipples until they were tight under his fingers.

Kylo made to push her down, but she shoved against him and he stumbled onto his rear, his eyes wide in surprise. Rey could have burst out laughing if she wasn’t so preoccupied with her mission.

She climbed over him, his erection rubbing against her core in a delicious way as she continued her assault on his neck. She licked her way down his scar, his chest, his abdomen and then paused at his waistband, some of her hesitance peeking through. To be honest, this was one of the acts she had heard the least about, but she had gathered enough from Kylo’s erotic murmurings to know this was something he thought about often.

Here went nothing.

Rey tugged his pants down and then her mouth was on him, sucking his head in what she hoped was a pleasing way. She heard him let out a low, long groan and then his hand was on the back of her head, cupping her. She moved up and down slowly at first, adjusting her jaw in a way she found to be the most efficient.

The taste was interesting to say the least. Not bad, just interesting. She experimented by circling her tongue around him before taking him entirely in her mouth and pushing down. He was swearing, a lot actually, and Rey felt her chest puff out in pride.

Just when she felt like her jaw might fall off, Kylo gently moved her head away and she glanced up. His eyes were dark and he had beads of sweat on his upper lip. He wrapped his hand around her wrist and tugged her towards him, so she fell upon his chest.

Their lips met again as she settled herself over him, and he leaned up so she could wrap her legs around his waist. When he was inside her they both moaned, and Rey felt a little lightheaded from the heat of the cave.

She rotated her hips a bit as she began to move, his tongue tracing her lips before plunging into her mouth again.

There was something different about this time. It was slower, a bit calmer, and when Kylo whispered breathlessly in her ear his comments varied quite a bit from his normal bedroom talk. She caught words like  _perfect,_ and _beautiful,_ and she drank them in, even if she didn’t think they were true.

Rey found she had more control from this position, so when the familiar sensation in her stomach began to turn, she angled her body in a way so he was pressing right against her, in that spot that made her see stars. She lifted her hips, several more times, her breathing becoming lighter until finally she was clenching around him and sighing his name.

He turned them over after, still connected, and continued to pound into her, his lips on her shoulder. She tangled her fingers in his hair, wiping dark strands away from his forehead as his movements became more erratic. After a few more thrusts she felt his shoulders tense and then he came inside her, spilling a bit onto the cave floor.

He leaned on her body, carefully resting his weight on her, and Rey noticed how pleasant this was, being connected this way.

He kissed her collarbone, nuzzling it with his nose. “You don’t know what you do to me,” he said in a strained, sort of desperate way.

Rey didn’t answer, even though she did know. He made her feel similarly.

 

\---

 

When he was fast asleep a few hours later, his head by her shoulder, it occurred to Rey he had never actually agreed to come with her. She needed an answer from him and soon. Even so, she wanted to just have this moment, to savor it, because whatever he chose, they most likely wouldn’t be able to have this luxury in the future.

She tried going to sleep, but her thoughts were a swirling cloud, so she carefully moved out from under him and walked outside, stark naked. She sat by the edge of the pool, dipping her calves into the water. Her hand came up to run over the new love bites he had given her, and she shivered, remembering the feeling of his mouth on her skin.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat out there, but the sun was just starting to rise when Kylo came out to join her. He was wearing pants, to her displeasure, but he sat down beside her and stuck his feet in the water as well.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, his hand running up her spine.

The corners of her lips twitched upwards. “Can’t you tell for yourself?”

“I’m _asking_ you this time.”

Rey stared at her hands. “Several things, I suppose.” She hesitated, recalling a previous conversation with him. “Kylo,” she said, and his head snapped to hers, not used to hearing his other name from her lips. She said it purposefully, letting him know that even if he never could become Ben Solo again, her feelings were not conditional. “I want to ask you something.”

He waited.

She took a deep breath, lifting her shoulders up. “I want to know my name. My…my _real_ name. Even if I was never that person. I’m ready to know.”

Kylo’s eyes became soft, and his hand stilled on her back. His other hand came up to wipe a small smudge of dirt off her nose, and she discovered it no longer surprised her how gentle he could be.

“Kira,” he said.

 

\---

 

Rey rose with the sun a few days later, slipping out from under Kylo’s arms in a practiced way. His body shifted and for a moment she thought she had woken him, but he merely rolled over. Rey sent him a fond smile as she silently dressed, knowing the sooner she started her trek the likelier it was for her to beat the sun.

With that in mind, she pressed a quick kiss to Kylo’s cheek and snuck out of the cave, putting her hair into her signature buns. She walked quickly, not wanting to tire herself out, but also not wanting to be caught out in the open during the hottest part of the day. The trees in this part of the forest, funnily enough, were sparsely covered, so they provided little shelter from the penetrating sun. As the rays began to beat on her shoulders and face, Rey longed for her headdress she had worn on Jakku.

She came to a halt as her hands fell to her waist, and she cursed. She had been so focused on getting to her destination that she had completely forgotten to take Kylo’s saber. She sighed, annoyed with herself.

She came to the rusted vessel a few hours later, stepping through the entrance way and immediately getting to work. It was particularly stuffy inside the craft that day, so Rey often had to take breaks and step outside to get fresh air. She became frustrated when her sweaty fingers would slip along the wiring, and she even shocked herself once. She wiped her hands thoroughly before continuing her work, knowing a task this important couldn’t be butchered.

By the third hour she knew she had done all she could do. Her heart began hammering in her chest as she closed the latch, her fingers hovering over the controls. This was it. This next moment would determine if she would be able to see her friends again.

She flipped the switch.

For ten agonizing seconds nothing happened. Then, the panel buzzed to life, and Rey made a triumphant noise in her throat. The signal flickered for a bit before it settled into a connection that was strong and constant. Rey flipped the switch off, not wanting to waste the juice.

She strode outside, walking away from the vessel. She would tell Kylo of her progress, and hopefully by then he would have decided to come with her. She didn’t think she could handle anything else.

Rey slowed her walk when she heard a rustling in the bushes to her left. She huffed in irritation; if she had remembered to bring the saber she could have caught them dinner. Her annoyance quickly changed to apprehension, however, when the rustling became violent, and Rey took a step back, her eyes wide.

Something…

She let out a yell as a similar creature to the one that had attacked her and Kylo charged from its cover, and Rey dove to the side before she could be trampled or impaled with its jagged teeth. The animal wasn’t quick to realize its miscalculation, and its skull collided with the trunk of a tree, knocking it clean over.

Rey ran.

Sweat poured down her face, blinding her. This wasn’t good. This definitely wasn’t good.

_Rey? What’s going on?_ Kylo could sense her panic through their bond.

_Ben-_

Rey cried out as the beast came up behind her and clipped her shoulder. She pitched to the side, acquiring scrapes and dirt marks along her arms. She continued to roll her body as the creature sank its jaws into the very spot she had been moments ago. Rey clutched her shoulder, staggering as thick droplets of blood rained onto the ground.

_I’m coming,_ Kylo said in her mind, his voice a terrified mixture, but she couldn’t focus on him right now.

She wouldn’t be able to outrun this creature, which meant she would have to fight.

Rey raised her uninjured arm as the beast charged her again, and summoning the Force she threw it to the side. When it stumbled Rey made to scramble away, trying to put as much distance as she could between the thing and herself.

When it recovered and circled back, Rey made to turn, but she once again underestimated its speed. With a deafening roar, the creature sank its teeth into her side, dragging her around like a toy. Rey screamed, white-hot pain coursing through her entire body.

She vaguely heard the familiar sound of a saber ignition, and then Kylo was there. Although she couldn’t see him, she could sense him, could sense his blind rage as well as his fatigue from sprinting all this way. The animal toppled to the side as it was struck, releasing its hold on her torso. Its teeth tore out of her body with an excruciating tug. The creature whipped around and engaged with Kylo, its cries becoming more ferocious, for it was now in pain.

Rey lay on her back, staring up into the bright sun, gasping for air. Her hand came to her side and her shoulder, trying to stop the blood flow. Somewhere, through the fogged pain, she heard Kylo battling the beast, heard him cry out.

Everything was becoming hazy, but his yell brought her back to reality. Rey forced herself to focus through the pain. She needed to, for his sake. She raised her head weakly, noting the position of the creature, and then her hand shot out. She felt the Force beat throughout her, felt its energy pounding in her mind and body. A surge exploded from her fingertips, and the creature’s neck snapped in two. The sensation of using the Force to end a life was jarring, especially with a being as large as this. When it was over, Rey collapsed back into the dirt, her mouth gaping like a fish as she sucked in air. She may have saved them, but in her weakened state the cost had been too much.

Kylo fell to his knees beside her, his face even paler than normal. One side of his head was coated in blood, and there was a deep gash in his right side. In her delirium, Rey smiled queasily up at him. What a mess they were.

Kylo placed his hands over her, and she felt the cooling sensation of the Force for only a second before it faded just as quickly. She heard him swear and then try again four more times.

“I can’t,” he wheezed.

Rey reached out to grip his head. “It’s okay,” she gasped. “It’s okay.”

“Rey, your signature-”

“I know,” she breathed. He could feel it weakening. She would be dead within the hour. She should have been more afraid, but she just felt sad. This was not how she pictured their end to be.  

Her face twitched as something wet fell on her forehead, and she realized he was crying. She squeezed his hand tighter. “Ben…”

“Where’s that transmitter?” he rasped. “Show me.”

She lifted her hand and pointed in the direction where she had come from. She was shocked by how much effort it took just to do that.

Kylo didn’t waste another moment. He scooped her up in his arms, grunting in discomfort as she fell against his wound. The pain that coursed through her was slowly starting to fade, and despite the heat of the sun, Rey began to feel very, very cold.

Her head lolled against his shoulder as he stumbled in the direction of the craft. She kept her eyes open, even though she was tempted to just close them and go to sleep.

_No, I can’t. Not yet._

Then she was on the cool metal ground, and she knew they must have made it to the craft. She focused her vision, blinking tiredly. Kylo’s hand fluttered over her before he turned his attention to the transmitter.

“Of course,” he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. “Of course you got it working.” He gripped her hand. “Rey.”

_Tell me the channel._

Rey’s eyes fluttered wide open at that. _Ben._

_Tell me the channel,_ he barked in her mind, more insistent. _Tell me now._

_Whose?_

_Anyone’s. Fucking Dameron’s even. Just…just tell me._

Rey’s eyes filled with tears. He was going to call her friends. He was going to call her friends, and she knew what that would mean for him.

She whispered the channel through their bond and then watched him punch the code into the transmitter.

That was the last thing she remembered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I’m going with Kylo can’t heal her because he’s also fucked up. Damn that Force fickleness.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Official Summary of “The Middle Woman.” (Will begin posting in a few weeks, once I have enough chapters so I can post daily. Not sure on the length yet, but I think it has the potential to be one of my longer fics.)
> 
> The war is over and a redeemed Ben Solo has begun serving his life sentence to the New Republic. After the council assigns Rey, Finn, and Poe to act as the former Supreme Leader’s handlers, Rey knows she’s going to have to keep these three men from tearing each other apart. 
> 
> She didn’t count on them being cramped on the Millennium Falcon as they travel the galaxy. And she definitely didn’t count on falling for her friends’ worst enemy. 
> 
> Fighting rings. Galas. A secret relationship. 
> 
> Things are about to get tense…

             Kylo should have known Dameron would be the first fucking one off that ship. And that he would bring reinforcements.

But he couldn’t find it in himself to care when dozens of blasters were aimed at him. He just knelt in the entryway of the rusted craft, Rey’s head in his lap. His hands pressed firmly against the awful tear in her side in a weak attempt to stop the bleeding.

“Hold fire,” Dameron instructed, coming forward to get a look at Kylo for himself. His eyes widened as he took in the pair and the extent of their injuries.

That traitor _,_ FN-2187 rushed towards them, anger and fear splayed across his features. “Rey!” he cried, stumbling like he was going to go to her, like he was going to take her away from him.

Kylo raised a hand, and despite his weakened state, he blew the former Stormtrooper flat on his back.

Dameron’s face twisted in fury, his usual arrogance pushed to the back for the time being. “Step away from her Ren,” he ordered, his voice firm and nauseatingly heroic. “It’s over for you.”

Kylo was filled with a striking rage. Just as he suspected. The Resistance was more concerned with war trophies than they were with helping one of their own. They liked to tote around themes of _loyalty_ and _justice,_ but it was all a farce. It made him furious on behalf of Rey.

“She needs bacta,” Kylo snarled, wincing through his own injuries. “Don’t you idiots see that? She’s going to die!” His voice cracked here, and he tightened his grip around Rey. She was so pale.

“Ben.”

Kylo’s blood chilled. His eyes were laced with venom as the crowd of rebels parted, and General Leia Organa came to stand beside Poe.

Kylo didn’t like to think much about his mother. She was a gray area in his mind, and when he had served under Snoke, there was no room for uncertainty. So he blocked her out whenever he could.

But now here she was, as unwavering and prim and strong as ever. It was the closest he had been to her in years, and so Kylo was able to see how truly old she had become. This war had perhaps aged her most of all.

Her lips were set in a hard line, but her eyes were kind, which just made his stomach turn. Her gaze unburied memories that should have been abolished in Kylo’s mind, of a woman who had reprimanded her son before smoothing back his hair and depositing a kiss on his forehead. Her eyes made him suspicious, but they also made him hesitate.

“Rey will get the help she needs,” Leia said, her voice resolute, “but _you_ need to help her first. Let her go.”

He stared Leia down, hoping even after all this time he could intimidate her with his ferocity. He should have known better. Leia Organa feared no one, least of all the child she had raised.

Kylo gazed down at Rey, watching as her chest rose and fell with shallow breaths. Seeing her lying there, half dead, sapped the energy from his body. His shoulders slumped, and he placed her gently on the floor in front of him.

The rebels were on them in an instant. They swarmed until Kylo’s vision was nothing but putrid, orange uniforms and insignias. He saw Rey being lifted away, and his anger came back in full force.

“Where are you taking her?” he demanded, spit flying from his mouth. “Treat her here, where I can see her!” Someone grabbed his arm in the frenzy, and he threw them back brutally with the Force, reaching for his saber.

And then a syringe plunged into his neck.

 

\---

 

Kylo awoke with a gasp. His hand immediately went to his side, only to discover his wound had been covered with bacta. He clutched his head and also noticed his face had been cleaned of blood. Blinking slowly, he tried to remember the events that had led to his blackout.

_Rey…_

Kylo sat up quickly, preparing to dismount his hospital bed and break down the doors if necessary. When his hand instinctually drifted to his belt, however, he realized his saber was missing.

“We had to confiscate it,” Leia’s voice came from the far corner of the room, and she moved into the light. “I don’t expect you to try and understand our motives for doing so.”

“I’m not interested in your politics,” Kylo hissed. “Where is she?”

Leia studied him in a way that he loathed. She had always been able to see right through to him, and he hated betraying any sort of weakness in front of her.

“She’s alright,” Leia told him carefully. “She’ll live.”

Kylo’s breath whooshed out of him, and he closed his eyes in relief. Leia was right; if he really focused he could feel Rey’s faint pulse through their bond. She was unconscious, but very much alive.

He opened his eyes again. “Take me to her.”

“We can’t do that.”

“I’m _not asking_ ,” he replied through gritted teeth, standing up and lifting his hand in a silent threat.

Leia blinked back at him, unfazed. “ _No one_ is allowed in with her until the med-droids deem her not at risk. You will just have to wait like the rest of us.” 

Kylo lowered his hand after a moment, sensing she was telling the truth. He cleared his throat, his lips twisting bitterly. “I don’t suppose you’ll bother to tell me what has become of the First Order.”

Leia lifted her chin. “There is no First Order anymore. They surrendered two weeks ago. The New Republic has won.”

Kylo didn’t know how to feel about this. He didn’t particularly care about the First Order, not since Snoke’s death, but finding out that this band of thieves and traitors had reigned victorious was sickening in itself.

“You’ll have a trial,” Leia continued, her hand coming to grip the metal rod on the end of his cot, “when Rey is healthy enough to testify.” She paused. “I’m sure she will be a beneficial witness on your behalf.”

“Don’t assume to know the nature of my relationship with her,” Kylo growled, his hands clenching into fists.

Leia approached him then, her face set in stone but her eyes glassy and soft. “Oh Ben, I could not have a single Force sensitive bone in my body, and I would still know. I’m your mother. I’ve never stopped being your mother.” She swallowed heavily here, no doubt thinking about Han. “I can feel a change in you. It’s written all over your face.”

Kylo’s eyes burned with fire, but he unfurled his fists. Mother and son stared at each other, only the faint beeps of the medical equipment providing any noise in the room.

“You’ll be notified when she awakens,” she promised.

 

\---

 

When Poe Dameron entered the medical ward the following day with a couple of rebel guards, Kylo was on his feet, his wrath already spiking. Once again, however, Dameron’s face was lacking its usual cocky nature as he regarded Kylo evenly.

“I don’t like this any more than you do, Ren,” he said, “but they don’t want you in there alone with her. It’s either this or nothing at all.”

Kylo remained silent, but he gave the pilot the most venom laced glare he could muster. He begrudgingly held out his wrists as one of the guards moved to cuff him, and then the quartet was moving down hallways that were unfamiliar to him.

When they finally came to a door that Kylo assumed held Rey, Dameron turned to the guards. “It’s alright. I can take it from here.”

One of the rebels wordlessly came forward and undid Kylo’s restraints, and then Dameron typed in a code by the doorway. The metal barrier lifted, and Kylo brushed past Dameron, perhaps shouldering him rougher than he should have.

All thoughts of the pilot vanished when he saw Rey, sitting up in her cot. Her hair was a mess, but her clothes and body were clean. His eyes flickered to her shoulder and her side, and he was relieved to see the bacta patches there. Her bag was on the floor next to her bed, possibly recovered by one of her little friends after the fact.

FN-2187 was seated beside her, and Kylo became bitter that he had not been the first to see her wake. The former Stormtrooper visibly stiffened when he saw him, but Rey squeezed his hand.

“It’s okay, Finn,” she said.

Dameron moved forward. “Finn, if you could give us a minute.”

_Finn_ seemed like he wanted to argue, but eventually he stood, and after he gave Rey a peck on the cheek, he moved to exit, giving his former leader a glare that Kylo had to admit would have been at least semi-intimidating if it were aimed at anyone but him. When it was only he, Dameron and Rey in the room, Kylo still stood rooted to the spot, strangely not knowing what to do.

And then she smiled at him. “Ben.”

Just like that the spell was broken, and he crossed over to her instantly, taking her in his arms and burying his face in her neck. He was mindful of her injuries as he embraced her, and when he felt her chest shudder with a sob, his own eyes became wet.

He was well aware Dameron was watching them with a mixture of discomfort and shock. The latter was practically streaming out of him and rushing into Kylo’s senses. He blocked out anything relating to the rebel pilot as he focused on the feeling of Rey beneath his hands.

“I can’t believe you called them,” she was saying, her fingers curling into his hair. “I can’t believe you came with me.”

“It wasn’t an option to stay,” he admitted softly, his nose brushing her neck. “I could never have stayed there.”

_I love you too._

Her tears flowed onto his neck then, and she squeezed him tighter. “Whatever happens next, you have to know I’ll be there with you through it all. I’ll never leave you, Ben. You’ll never have to be alone.”

He drew back a bit, his thumb brushing over her cheek. In this moment, it didn’t matter that he would have a trial. It didn’t matter that his fate was uncertain, that the war for him was technically lost. It didn’t even matter that fucking Dameron was standing ten feet away, witnessing all of this.

There was only her, and suddenly the world had a bit more purpose.

“Neither will you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it everybody. I know I probably could have written another chapter or two about the trial and whatnot, but honestly even though “The Middle Woman” is a separate fic, it will take place pretty much in the exact same place as this one ends. (Except obviously I will redevelop Reylo for that story.) 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read, gave kudos, and commented throughout this story. It was a pleasure providing you with quick updates, as I looked forward to reading your reactions every day. 
> 
> Keep yours eyes peeled for “The Middle Woman.” I’m very excited to start this Star Wars AU post-war story and really explore an angsty Ben Solo, not to mention the tension between all four main characters, with of course our signature Reylo. Until then! Thank you all. <3


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